The Mysterious Door
by kiwifluffy
Summary: Clara Oswald went for a swim in the TARDIS swimming pool and then found herself wandering around empty corridors for an hour as the TARDIS laughed at her. When she does finally find a door, it's been scribbled over by everyone who's been in the TARDIS for any length of time. The Doctor, being the Doctor, replied to every single message. R&R!
1. The Mysterious Door

Clara Oswald shivered as she hurried down the TARDIS corridor. She didn't know why the ship didn't like her, but after going for a swim in the Olympic-sized swimming pool, the ship had forced her into the corridor by way of a series of hologram leopards and closed the door behind her with something that sounded suspiciously like laughter.

For the past hour, she had been wandering in circles as the ship progressively increased the cooling systems. She was almost ready to give up when she saw something odd in the corridor ahead.  
Most of the TARDIS looked the same, cold blue steel corridors that twisted randomly, always leading either a) nowhere or b) to the same place every time. There was a gap in the steel, filled with a plain white door that looked as out of place in the machine as she did. As Clara approached, she realised that it was covered in writing-some of it ancient, some as if it had been done yesterday. If you could say there was such a thing as yesterday in the TARDIS.

Clara took a step back and began to read.


	2. What's Nitro-9?

The most obvious message on the wall was written at almost exactly head height. Someone-presumably the Doctor- had found a bright red crayon and written in huge, shaky letters-

_ACE-  
THIS DOOR MUST NOT BE OPENED USING NITRO-9. OR A BASEBALL BAT. UNDERSTOOD?_

This was followed by someone else's handwriting-

_Aaw, Professor... I haven't even made any recently!  
_Then what were you doing in the laboratory yesterday?  
_um... Cooking.  
_Good girl. Blow up that door instead.

Clara decided that it was best not to ask where 'that door' was.


	3. Adric

-2/3(-2/3x^3+2x-1/3x+1)^3+4(-2/3x^3+2x-1/3x+1)^2-19/3(-2/3x^3+2x-1/3x+1)+3  
_Thank you Adric, I really needed a formula for a composite function written on my door.  
_:-)

This one was written just below her shoulders. She vaguely remembered doing composite functions at school. She did not remember ever doing something that long.  
Another formula was written almost at ground level.

sqrt(sqrt(k+x)x7/420 +K/ 66+x -17h=0  
_I think you meant 68+x, not 66.  
_I was wondering if you would notice that.


	4. Is that Doctor Song?

_(The symbols here were written in Old High Gallifreyan and are therefore untranslatable.) 10-0-11-00 0-2_  
RIVER! This is the LAST time I'm going to catch you if you hurl yourself out of an airlock.  
_So I do it again, do I?  
_(The symbols here were also written in Old High Gallifreyan, but unlike the previous set that simply read 'Hello Sweetie', these ones said something so rude they were actually untranslatable. This may be because they referenced no less than four obscure figures from Gallifreyan history, all of whom had been removed from there relevant time streams and either killed or imprisoned. It may also be because FanFiction does not have an MA15+ rating or because the writer is lazy and doesn't have a dirty enough mind to think of something to write.)

Clara decided it was best that she couldn't understand whatever had been said in the last bit.


	5. Oi, Space Man!

Oi! Space Man! Get yourself a new door! This one's full.  
_Donna, I like this door. Go find another door yourself if you're so desperate for one.  
_Right, I think I will. Where does the TARDIS keep spare doors?  
_...I don't think the TARDIS has a room of spare doors.  
_Wanna bet, Time Boy?  
_This is my TARDIS. I know that it does not have a room of spare doors._

__Yes it does. Walk down the corridor and Turn Left.  
_What? Whaat? Whaaaaaat?_

Clara suddenly had the urge to find Donna and either give her a round of applause for managing that, or hitting her because the TARDIS would listen to her and not Clara.


	6. Amy and Rory fight the grammar monster

**AmY wAZ hERe  
AMy aND RoRY WaZ hErE**  
_Your grammar and spelling is terrible. It should be 'Amy was here' and 'Amy and Rory WERE here'.  
_**You actually care about grammatical errors written on your door?  
**_Yes. Doesn't everyone?_  
**We should have expected this, Amy.  
Yeah.  
**_You mean_ _Yes._  
**Wait, I have an idea.  
BOWTIES ARE COOL  
**_Yeah! Bowties are cool! You finally understand! LOL! ASAP! YOLO! Oh wait, I mean YOLTT.  
_**You mean 'Yes, bowties are cool.' and what does YOLTT mean? And why did you put ASAP in there?  
**_You Only Live Thirteen Times._  
**And ASAP?  
**_Oh... I get it now. You made me write 'yeah' on my_ door.  
**Took you long enough.**

Clara decided that she had to bring that up in a conversation at some stage.

* * *

**AN:** Sorry about the title. I got bored.


	7. Target practise, drinks and doors

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
_Leela, I would prefer if you didn't use my door as target practice for your crossbow. There is an excellent room full of targets down the corridor. Turn left._

_*** * * ? * * ***_

_**Um, Doctor, you do realise that room is full of doors? Oh, and nice shooting, Leela. Want a drink?**__  
Thank you, Jack. You do realise that Leela travelled with me... six regenerations ago?  
__**Where's Leela now? Oh. How did you know it was me?  
**__You are the only person I know who would see evidence that someone could kill you in two seconds flat and take that as a cue to flirt with them._

_*** * * :-) * * ***_

_**I know that someone shot that ages ago, but she seems to have been able to predict where this conversation was going.**_

Clara laughed at that. It was quite clear that Donna had simply read this message and checked to see if the room full of doors was still there.


	8. Checkmate

Checkmate, Master  
_What?  
_Checkmate predicted for 2 moves, master  
_K9, are you saying that no matter what I do, you will have me in checkmate in 2 moves?  
_Affirmative.

_Oh. You do.  
_Affirmative  
_Could you stop using your laser to carve words into my door?  
_Affirmative  
_You could, but you aren't going to stop, are you?  
_Affirmative.

* * *

**AN: **Please review! And if you have any ideas for conversations via the door that you want me to do, send them in in a review and I'll do my best.


	9. You, from the future

_We need to get a move on, Doctor, the Key to Time won't assemble itself.  
_But I'm out of Jelly Babies! I can't do anything if I'm out of Jelly Babies!  
_Your jelly babies can wait, the fate of the universe rests on us.  
__**Was I really that**_**_ pompous?_****  
**_Who are you?  
__**You. From the**_**_ future._****  
**Let's go, Romana! We're stopping off on Earth to collect some jelly babies. And then we're going to trace the fourth segment... Romana?  
_**I seem to remember I was in the console room.  
**__I was. But now I'm going to the cloister bell.  
_Oh dear. Two of you. You're breaching the first law of time doing this!  
**_Actually, I went back and wrote all these lines in because I remember seeing them. I have not met my past self. Unlike you._****  
**Yes, but the High council ordered me to. You're just playing a joke on me, which is very unlike you, Romana.

**Ooh! I'd forgotten about this! It was like we were in a... big ball of... wibbly wobbly, timey-wimey... stuff. Oh dear. That sentence got away from me.  
**Who are you?  
**You. From the future.**

* * *

**AN:** Sorry if that made no sense. Lost In A Daze suggested that I do one with 4 and both Romanas, but I couldn't resist adding ten in there too. If anyone has any ideas, I'm more than happy to try them.


	10. Property of UNIT

**THIS IS THE PROPERTY OF UNIT  
**_No it isn't! The TARDIS belongs to me!  
_**Sorry Doctor, I got carried away stamping things.  
**_Jo? Why are you stamping 'This is the property of UNIT' on things?  
_**Sergeant Benton told me to.  
**_Are you sure he wasn't playing a joke on you?  
_Doctor? What's UNIT?  
_Why, Sarah, it's a top secret organisation. Why?  
_**You should cover this up._  
_**_Yes, Martha, I probably should._


	11. Who wrote that?

**_BAD WOLF  
_**Who wrote that?  
**_BAD WOLF  
_**No, seriously, who wrote that? Why am I seeing those words everywhere?  
**_VOTE SAXON  
_**Stop it now. Please.  
**_SILENCE WILL FALL  
_**Seriously! Who is writing these?  
**_THE UNIVERSE IS CRACKED. THE PANDORICA WILL OPEN. SILENCE WILL FALL.  
_**STOP IT! Not funny anymore. Really not funny.  
**_BAD WOLF  
_**I'm going to stop replying now.  
**_I doubt that, my thief.  
_**Ah. I didn't know TARDISes could write on their own doors.

This made Clara smile. At least she wasn't the only one that found herself the target of the TARDIS' games.


	12. The Doctor Dances, badly

_Note to self- the Doctor is a terrible dancer._

Rose! No I'm not!  
_**Seriously, you could do with a bit of practice.  
**_Oh, not you too Jack. At least I'm not a former time agent looking for other time agents to con.  
_That was rude. And why are we having this conversation across a door?  
__**Everyone else seems to be doing so… Wow, Doctor, you have been busy.  
**_Shut up, Jack. Please.  
_**(this sentence has been removed so that this story is suitable for younger audiences.)  
**__That was REALLY rude.  
_No kidding. And Jack?  
_**Yeah?  
**_Don't mention poodles. Ever. Again.

* * *

**AN**: Hello again. There will be more of Rose, but I'm not sure what she should say yet.  
About the poodle... Torchwood thing. If you have seen it, please don't send me a hundred reviews saying that it wasn't Jack who said that. Actually, do send me a hundred reviews because it would make this story look really popular.  
If you didn't get it, be glad.  
R&amp;R! And I will try and write up any ideas people send me. Thanks to whoever the Guest was that suggested Rose, and Lost in a Daze for her emails and recommendations earlier today. I'm going to stop typing now, or else this note is going to be longer than the chapter.


	13. You're still writing on my door

_Grandfather-  
Miss Wright was teaching us about the Roman Empire recently. May we go?  
_Susan, my dear, the Roman Empire lasted for centuries. When exactly would you like to go?  
_I don't know... Emperor Titus sounded interesting.  
_Then we will visit tomorrow.  
I would prefer if you would stop writing on my door.  
_Sorry, Grandfather.  
_You're still writing on my door.

Clara could remember the Doctor mentioning that he had gone to Akhaten with his granddaughter once. She supposed that Susan must be her. Given the age of the writing, it had been a _very_ long time ago.  
She wondered what had happened to Miss Wright.

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to ASummer for suggesting this one. R&amp;R, send in any ideas you have and I'll do my best to get them done.


	14. Where's book 7?

_Doctor, when we met Shakespeare you mentioned the last Harry Potter book. Where is it?  
_Um... Did you look in the library?  
_Yes. I found the first six.  
_Did you look in the other library?  
_What other library?  
_You didn't know? The TARDIS has three libraries. One for fiction, one had complex science-y stuff and the third one is all in Gallifreyan. There used to be a fourth, with the TARDIS manual, but I may or may not have thrown it into a supernova.  
_You threw the TARDIS manual into a supernova?  
_Maybe...  
_Oh yeah- the library I found had a mix of fiction, non-fiction and books written in weird circles.  
_Yes. Just because there are separate libraries for fiction, non-fiction and Gallifreyan does not mean that all the books are actually in the correct library.  
_So if I want to read the last Harry Potter book, I need to search through three libraries.  
_Yes... Where's your optimism?  
_I could just ask you to go and buy another copy.  
_But where's the fun in that?  
_I found it! What was it doing under the purple jacket in the console room?  
_Rose's jacket? She must have been reading it...

Martha?  
_Why did everyone have to die?  
_I did warn you.

* * *

**AN: **ASummer also asked for more with Martha and Donna. thanks to Lost in a Daze for her recommendation of a discussion about what book to read that resulted in this. I will seriously try to write up any idea people send me.


	15. What's for dinner?

_Doctor, what's for dinner?  
_What do you want? There's a bar on Apalapucia that serves the best banana smoothies in the universe. Or we could go pick up some fish fingers and custard from 21st Century Earth :-)  
_And I should have expected that. Why don't we go to France in the 1700s, their food would have been really nice.  
_That would be... awkward. Especially if River comes.  
_Do I want to know?  
_Reinette Poisson had a few troubles with clockwork droids. I got rid of them.  
_**And a few other troubles, I would think.**_**  
**RIVER! That was before I regenerated. Seriously. People these days...  
_Reinette_ _Poisson?_  
_**Better known as Madame de**__**Pompadour.**__  
...Let's go for hamburgers.  
_Good idea. I know this great place in New York.  
_Let's just GO._

Clara smiled at this. She had asked the Doctor for dinner before and had been given a bunch of bananas. Literally.


	16. Not the only one

_I don't believe this. I've been walking around the same corridor for the last hour, and the only things I've found is this door and a room full of spare doors down the corridor. Seriously! Spare doors!_

There was a faint whirring sound from the wall. Clara knelt down and cautiously lifted up the covering to a round hole that had appeared next to the door. Inside sat a plain black pen.

_So I'm not the only one_. Clara hesitated before writing more. she didn't even know who had written the previous message, how long ago it was written or even if the writer was still alive.

_I went swimming and the TARDIS has been sending me in circles ever since. Does anyone know a way out? _She guessed that since she hadn't seen anyone else around, and the Doctor hadn't mentioned anyone having gotten lost in the TARDIS that there had to be somewhere she could go.

Only then did she realise that the writing to the right of the message was a response.

**Who are you?**  
_Doctor? it's Charley. how can I get out?  
_**Ah. I must not have met you yet. Not officially, anyway.  
**_Well, that was helpful._

* * *

**AN:** If you don't know, Charley Pollard travelled with the eighth Doctor and met the sixth Doctor later. Congratulations to Big Finish for managing to make that work.

Thanks again to Lost in a Daze for suggesting something similar to this. R&amp;R!


	17. Carrot juice

Mel-

There's this great restaurant on Iceworld that serves the best milkshakes. We could go for dinner.  
_Actually, I just made some carrot juice. Come down to the kitchens.  
_...I don't like carrot juice.  
_You should drink it anyway, it's healthy.  
_**I didn't even start liking carrot juice until after you left.  
**Oh dear. Two of me. Isn't this against the rules?  
**Not really. Just watch out for any cracks appearing in the TARDIS.  
**That doesn't sound good…  
_  
AAAAH! Doctor! There's a…thing… in the console room! Help me!  
_You can stop screaming now. Please. It's only the future me destroying all of space and time for a practical joke.

And I didn't even respond to that.


	18. Impossible things just happen

_How interesting. It would appear that this door, and the writing on it, is a fixed point in time.  
_Yes, it's clever, isn't it? It means that I can come at any time I like and respond to a question that hasn't even been asked yet.  
_It also means that you can talk to your past and future selves without disrupting time.  
_Yes, it does. And I was working on a system so that you can only see something that you've already written, or someone else wants you to see. Would you like to look at it?  
_Unfortunately, that is impossible. Unless the TARDIS herself were to establish such a system, it could not be done.  
_Oh, Romana, that's brilliant! The TARDIS can make it work!

_But that's impossible! The TARDIS shouldn't work like that!  
_Impossible things just happen.  
Ooh, I like that. 'Impossible things just happen.' I think I'll write that down.  
_You just did. On a door that is a fixed point in time where the only people who can see this message are the ones who the TARDIS wants to see it.  
_I meant, on a piece of paper. Where I can access it anytime.  
_That defeats the point of what the TARDIS just did to this door.  
_Yes, I suppose it does. Oh well.

* * *

**AN: **I have no idea what happened there. Sorry. I suppose this might mean that a bunch of other chapters are now impossible, including the one I posted yesterday... Let's just say that the TARDIS likes playing jokes on people. Please send in any ideas you have!


	19. I'm still in my nightie!

_Doctor? It's my wedding night, and I'm in my nightie.  
_It's not your wedding night, it's 1284 years in the future. And there's a huge wardrobe down the corridor.  
_I've been here for ages, and I'm still in my nightie!  
_There's a wardrobe down the corridor. Turn left.  
_The room down that corridor is full of spare doors, and I'm still in my nightie!  
_Try the other left.  
_There's a wall there.  
_How long have you been in your nightie?  
_1284 years.  
_No.…This is a time machine, Pond! We may be 1284 years in the future, but it did not take us 1284 years to get here.  
_How long did it take us then?  
_In Earth time?  
_How long, in Earth time, have I been in my nightie?  
_...3 days, 2 hours and 15 minutes. And 39 seconds.  
_Find me a change of clothes. Now._

* * *

**AN: **Thanks to TheChristmasSerialMurders (nice name, by the way, don't ever change it) for suggesting this. Send in any ideas you have! R&amp;R!


	20. Where's my hat?

Where did my hat go?  
_Your hat?_  
Yes. Do you remember the Hatbox? I know you commented on it. Planet of the Hats!  
_Oh.…That hat. No, I haven't seen it_.  
Really? I know I put it down somewhere. And then I was wearing it when we visited Agatha Christie.  
_...Are you sure the vespiform didn't steal it?_  
What? The vespiform steals hats?  
_Not that I know of, but it might have. Look around the TARDIS, I'm sure you could find another one._  
But I liked that hat.  
_ I know you did. We can go buy another one._  
Oh thanks, space man.  
_...What did I do wrong?_  
You're supposed to help me look for it.  
_But it's not here!_  
I don't care. Help me look.  
_Well, this is a waste of time_.

* * *

**AN: **Sorry, I really don't know what happened there. This is what happens when a science competition and an hour and a half of kick sets in swim squad combine and I still try to post Fanfic. Actually, it might be a good idea to pretend that this chapter doesn't exist.


	21. Come to your Master

_If there's anyone in here, the Master is chasing me around this place and he's kind of holding a laser screwdriver that he's going to kill me with. Just thought you might like to know._  
Oh! The freak's been here! Hello! Running into the paradox machine… Original, I'll give you that. But you can't hide from me for long!  
_Yeah? It's already been 5 hours. Not doing such a good job, are you?_  
I control the entire world, there's no way you can escape. You might as well give up now, come to your Master!  
_You control the entire world yet Martha Jones has escaped you. She's managed it for 6 months._  
_And you're not my master, you're not anyone's master. _  
Ooh...Defiant, still? I like that, I really do. It means that when I catch you again, you'll provide me with entertainment for longer.  
_I think you mean if, not whe_

Clara didn't really want to know why that sentence wasn't ever finished.

* * *

**AN:** If you didn't realise, that was set in the year that never was. In my head, Jack escaped and ran to hide in the TARDIS. R&amp;R!  
Send in any ideas you have.  
Sorry if that was a bit morbid, I was in a psychopathic mood today.


	22. Justified Megalomaniacs

_Why is it that every single megalomaniac I have ever met seems to think they can justify their actions? It's getting ridiculous. There is no way that you can justify enslaving thousands of so-called 'lesser species' or committing genocide and expect that anyone will believe you! I most certainly won't stand for it. _  
Yes. A list. We need a list. I'll start.  
Davros  
**_You stole mine! Oh well. Hitler._  
**Okay... The Celestial Toymaker.  
_Good one. The Kandyman_.  
**Max Capricorn**.  
_Madame Kovarian_  
**Thanks Amy... The Master would count.**  
Thanks for saving me from saying him. One rather obvious one we've missed- The Black Guardian.  
_**Oh yeah. Obvious. Helen A. Remember? The woman with the Happiness Patrol.**_  
_Rassilon._

Who said that?  
_**I suppose turning Borusa to living stone would count as trying to justify something.**_  
Yes, I suppose it would. But he's not the same, is he? Not quite. He didn't commit genocide, not that we know of. According to the legends, he stopped the games in the Death Zone, and while that may not be strictly true, they were cancelled.  
**You have no idea what he tried to do. You can't know. Not yet.**  
What do you mean? Rassilon's dead. We were in his tomb. He can't have 'done' anything.  
_Don't say that... I doubt I would say something that powerful without justifying it._  
Anything else?

I suppose we will just have to wait to find out, hmm?  
**Enjoy not knowing. It made things easier.**  
I guess we have no choice but to trust you. I only hope our trust is not misplaced.

* * *

**AN: **Thanks to Lost in a Daze for suggesting this. It was supposed to be 7 at the start. In my mind, the bold is 11. There are 2 doctors in italics only. Congratulations to anyone who can come up with a way for all of the different fonts to correspond to a Doctor that had met whoever they mentioned before.  
I might just mention- I don't know if it's possible. R&amp;R!


	23. Sticky-up hair and fezzes

_Ok, everyone participating in the conversations on this door. Do you agree with me: Bow ties are not cool._  
AMY! Yes they are! How many ties do I have to tell you?  
_**Bow ties will never be cool. But I've got cool hair. Really cool hair.**_  
**Doctor, your hair… It's very modern, all sticky-uppy.**  
_**Wilf, my hair is cool. Very cool.**_  
Your hair is never going to be as cool as a bowtie, or a fez, or a stetson.  
_What is it about you and weird headgear?_  
It is not weird!  
_River shot the fez. And the stetson. My own daughter thinks they're weird._  
**_I like this River already. Shooting hats. Nice._**  
Oh, not you too! She's been brainwashed! Maybe you've all been brainwashed…  
_River was brainwashed to kill you. Nothing about hats._  
You never know...  
_**I'm leaving this conversation now…**_  
Yes, take your sticky-uppy hair and leave this to me.  
_**Oi! Not sticky-uppy! Who are you to judge?**_  
Oh dear. Now you sound like Donna.  
_Conversation ends here._  
But...  
_Conversation has ended. Bye._

Bow ties are still cooler than sticky-up hair.  
_**No they are not. And all of the others agree with me.**_  
Don't say all...  
_Conversation has ended. BYE._

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Thechristmasserialmurders who suggested this a while ago. The sticky-uppy hair was taken from Wilf's comment in The End of Time Part One.

Send in any ideas you have. R&amp;R!


	24. What happened first?

I don't believe this! My first trip in the TARDIS and I get a spaceship! Awesome!  
_Calm down, Mickey! I went to the end of the world. When the sun swallowed the Earth.  
_I found myself in a medieval castle with Sontarans._**  
**_**I stowed away on the TARDIS and went to a medieval planet.  
****The Judoon took me to the moon before I went on the TARDIS, but my first trip was to meet Shakespeare.  
****I found myself on a sandminer in the 23rd Century.  
**_The stomach of a space whale.  
_Venice, 1580. With vampires.  
**I ended up in the TARDIS as I was walking down the aisle to get married. And then I saw the Earth being created. And then I went to Pompeii on the day Vesuvius erupted.  
**_**I got done out! Cardiff, in the early 21st Century. Don't you like me, Doc?  
**_**Oh, shut up, Jack. It wasn't all that bad.  
**Okay.…Now that we've started this, let's continue. Who thinks they went somewhere awesome.

Clara smiled as she raised the pen again. Somewhere awesome.  
_I went to Akhaten to listen to the long song, and we rescued the Queen of years from a vampire._

And then she saw the writing directly underneath, faded with age, but most definitely there.

Right… Maybe getting a spaceship was not such an awesome thing after all. But we did have Clockwork Droids, if not vampires.  
_Now you're getting it._

* * *

**AN:** Thanks for all the reviews! BloodLily16 asked for more of Clara writing on the door, so expect more of that. R&amp;R!


	25. No more

_No more._  
_This will probably be the last time I write here. It's been years-centuries, even-since I came here last, and as I have no intentions of surviving this, no one will ever get the chance to reply. I don't really want anyone to see this, either, so it's unlikely the TARDIS will let anyone else see this particular message.  
But just in case someone does-_  
_ What I am about to do, I do for the sake of peace and sanity. In the name of all those I have failed to save. I tried everything to avoid this-you really think I wanted the cruciform to fall, for the Nightmare Child to come into existence?_  
_No more. Arcadia has fallen. It will be the last victory the Daleks have over us._  
_It will be the last victory the Daleks have over anyone._  
_ -The Renegade._  
_I cannot call myself the Doctor, for this is not something that the Doctor would have done._

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Ruby for suggesting this. I know it's a bit different to the others, but the War Doctor is hard to write for. R&amp;R, please send in any ideas you have.


	26. Pancakes, with a side of explosives

_ACE! What have I told you about making Nitro-9 in the kitchens?_  
Sorry professor! I don't know why it exploded. It never has before!  
_You did use the same chemicals?_  
Yes. I'm not a complete idiot, you know!

_ There was a box full of things that look like deodorant cans. I don't suppose you've seen them?_  
Sitting on the kitchen table? Yeah… I ran out of cans for Nitro-9. What was in them?  
_Whipped cream._  
Ok.…Still no idea why they exploded.  
_Ace! You have to stop using anything you come across and expecting that it's going to blow up when you want it to. Remember Fenric's jar?_  
Sorry professor, but you tell me not to make any and then ask me to blow up walls with it! I need to have a more efficient supply.  
_That does not mean using anything you come across to make explosives._  
Ok, I'll stop, I promise… Now, can you tell me how I blew up the kitchen?  
_I seem to remember that you were experimenting with something that looked like a boiled sweet and was activated by saliva._  
So they're set off by whipped cream?  
_It would appear so. And now, thanks to you, we can't have pancakes because we seem to have misplaced the shipment of whipped cream I bought last time we were on Earth._  
Sorry professor. Have we got maple syrup?  
_I think so. Why? Do you need that to make your explosives too?_  
No. I just want pancakes.


	27. No! Not the perigosto stick!

_Does anyone know where I can find a set of bagpipes?  
_NO, RIVER! What do you want bagpipes for anyway?  
_Your son-in-law was playing the perigosto stick while I was trying to sleep. I need revenge.  
__**Your 'son-in-law', as you put it, is standing right here.  
**_Do I want to know what the perigosto stick is?  
_**It's an ancient Gallifreyan instrument. I used to play it quite well.  
**__Point- USED TO. Abilities change with regenerations. And if I can't find a set of bagpipes to serenade you with, then I'm going to find a theremin.  
__**I used to be good at that, too! I wonder where it went.  
**_Oh dear. Rory, I think we should find some earmuffs.  
**Yes, we should.  
**_**Your lack of trust in my musical abilities is disappointing.  
**__And completely accurate. Where's a theremin?  
__**NO! There's bagpipes down the corridor. Turn left.  
**__Spare doors. Again. You need to stop forgetting about that room._

_Hello, sweetie. Look what I found.  
__**NO! MERCY! PLEASE!  
**__Mary had a little lamb…  
__**NO! PLEASE!  
**__little lamb, little lamb…  
__**PLEASE! STOP THAT DREADFUL NOISE!  
**__Only if you promise never to touch a perigosto stick again.  
__**Yes! Anything to stop it!  
**_**Are we safe now?  
**We should be. But, Rory, don't throw out the earmuffs yet.  
**I'm not planning to.**

* * *

**AN: **A Perigosto stick is an ancient Gallifreyan device mentioned in The Green Death and Doctor Who and the Daemons. It's the focus of an ongoing joke amongst Doctor Who writers, who make elaborate mentions of perigosto sticks without saying what they're actually for.

I got this idea after reading 'Honey, Here Comes A Lullaby' by AmaranteReikaChan. You should go read it, it's hilarious.

Please send in any ideas you have. R&amp;R!


	28. Welcome to UNIT

_Where am I? How have I not walked into a wall yet?_  
UNIT.  
_Yes, I work for UNIT. What does that have to do with anything?_  
UNIT.  
_Is this, like, normal, for you guys?_  
When the Doctor is around, yes.  
_But it's impossible! I'm writing these, and it's only after I've written them that I notice a reply. Where am I, anyway?_  
You're in the TARDIS. If you want to keep your job at UNIT, then you're going to have to get used to this. We deal with aliens. You aren't going to manage this job if you can't accept that certain things just exist.  
** At least you're with UNIT, not Torchwood. If this scares you, then you wouldn't survive a week under Yvonne Hartman. **  
_**Seriously. Stay with UNIT, or if you want to leave but keep working with extra-terrestrial stuff, go freelance. Not Torchwood.**_

_ I'm leaving UNIT now. All the Doctor ever really needed was someone to pass him test tubes and tell him how brilliant he was._  
_**Sounds familiar. I just had to stand there and be talked at.**_  
**You too, huh?**

* * *

**AN:** Ok, in my mind the italics was Liz Shaw, the normal text was originally the Brigadier but it could be anyone from UNIT, really. The bold is Jack Harkness and the bold and italics is Martha Jones.

Send in any ideas you have and I'll try to write them.  
R&amp;R!


	29. I'm Lost

**Hello?**

Hello?

**Who is this? Please help me I am lost**

Theta Sigma shame on you

**Koschei?! Oh thank Rassillon**

I'm lost too moron

**Oh…**

You could have stolen a better TARDIS. One without monsters chasing me down the hall

**There are no monsters. Maybe the TARDIS just doesn't like you. Hey cool! Someone left some jelly babies here!**

_Those are mine give them back. Oh damn I tripped on my scarf!_

Who else is here?

_Err…..no one_

**Oh damn, if it was someone else they could help us**

Theta?

**Yes Koschei?**

You are a moron

**Yeah I love you too Kos**

I could turn into your enemy one day

**He he he. As if**

He he. We will never be mortal arch enemies

**FRIENDS FOREVER**

Now gimme some of those jelly babies

I feel almost bad about that

**Me too Master**

We were such good friends Doc

**I know. I miss it**

Too bad you had no ambition. I had to leave you behind. Pathetic.

**And yet you wonder why people aren't willing enslave themselves to you.  
**

* * *

**AN:** My friend Captain SacredSaxonPhobia wrote this one, as well as one that I will post tomorrow.  
Send in any ideas you have. R&amp;R!


	30. What are they talking about?

**AN:** Ok, this one's also written by my friend Captain SacredSaxonPhobia. The format's a bit different because it got confusing without the name of who's writing in front of it. R&amp;R!

* * *

Master - Wow Doctor, you sure let a lot a rats graffiti your doors

_Martha - Who are you?_

**Amy - That is a good question… so, who?**

_Sarah Jane - Seriously, who are you_

_**Rose - Why have you not answered the others whoever you are?**_

**Doctor - EVERYONE STOP WRITING YOU ARE IN DANGER**

Master - Oh, Doctor you ruin my fun

_Martha - Doctor, who is he?_

**Doctor - I said stop writing everyone**

**Amy - No, we'll hang around and listen**

_Sarah Jane - Ditto_

Master - Told you humans are a waste of space

**Doctor - Don't you dare insult humans Master, they are **

_Martha - MASTER! I am so going to kill you_

**Doctor - Calm down Martha, you can't get him he is in a different time stream and under my protection**

Master - Am not!

**Doctor - Are to!**

**Amy - Would it be strange of me to ask who this guy is?**

You didn't tell someone about me? I am shocked, offended, not under protection, hurt, saddened, and a lot of other things. I must soothe myself

**WHY DID YOU BLOW UP THAT PLANET I MEAN WHY THERE WERE 50 BILLION PEOPLE ON IT MASTER YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE…**

**Anyone going to tell me who he is?**

_Don't ask Amy, just know he is the most evil _

YOU CAN'T STOP ME BLOWING UP PLANETS DOCTOR

_Most despicable_

**MASTER STOP SERIOUSLY I AM GETTING REALLY ANGRY NOW**

_Animalistic_

OH WOOPS HERE GOES ANOTHER ONE

_Manipulative thing I have ever had the misfortune of laying eyes on_

You forgot the part about me being the most beautiful genius ever to have existed

**MASTER! What did Raxacoricafallapotorius ever do to you?**

_I'm leaving_

**Good idea me too**

_Ditto_

Uh, Koschei there were – are some people talking – writing

**I know Theta. I can see – read them.**

Koschei…

**Yes Theta?**

I'm lost

**You're useless. You realise that. It was your idea to steal a TARDIS, and now you're lost**

I don't get what they were talking/writing about

**I don't like it either Theta sigma**

I'm leaving. See you Kos

**This is really weird. It's like I can hear the ****echo of drums**** in SOMEONE ELSE'S head**

_They get to you, don't they?_


	31. Security Cameras

**AN: **I've had a couple of reviews saying that they like having people's names listed, so:  
normal text is Jack Harkness  
_Italics is the Tenth Doctor  
**Bold italics is the Eleventh Doctor**_

* * *

Hey! Cool! A room full of security cameras!  
_Jack.…What's so exciting about a room of security cameras?_  
Hey, Doc, you and Rose made quite a sweet couple.  
_NO leave that room alone!_  
I never knew you travelled with a Time Lady.  
_I didn't._  
Then you travelled with someone who just happened to be able to regenerate?  
_All right, I did. Not voluntarily._  
But you certainly seemed close to her. After she regenerated, at least.  
_Shut up._  
I'm not talking, I'm writing.  
_Stop it, Jack._  
Nyssa and Adric were quite a pair. Pity he died, really.  
You kidnapped your granddaughter's schoolteachers?! Wait, you had a granddaughter?  
_Stop now or I'll make the TARDIS lock you out._  
I doubt that... Leela of the Sevateem, lovely entrance.  
_Jack..._  
How many UNIT personnel have been in here?  
_Stop it._  
Oh, you are kidding me. Jo Grant. You two fit together perfectly.  
_I've locked the door now. _

WHAT? The TARDIS becomes a woman? And then she kissed you?  
_What? What? Whaaat?_  
_**Sorry about that. It hasn't happened yet.**_

* * *

**AN: **Thanks to BloodLily16 for suggesting this one. I'll try and post tomorrow, but I have a camp on Monday and Tuesday so I can't upload anything then, Send in any ideas you have. R&amp;R!


	32. Rose and Ten

_Rose is italics  
__**10th Doctor is bold italics  
**_**11th Doctor is bold  
****Jack is bold underlined**

* * *

_Doctor?  
_**Rose!  
**_D__octor is that you?  
__**Wait Rose he's another me.. Future me or something..  
**_**Oh look it's mister fancy sticky uppy hair..  
**_**Really? Wow again..  
**__well it is..  
__**not you too!  
**_Clara grinned as she realised that she had finally found somewhere to ask her doctor how to get out, and raised the pen.

sorry to interrupt but how do I get out?  
**Oh Clara! You're writing on my door now too! Yay!  
**yes but I need to get out...  
**Down the corridor first door ya see  
**Clara didn't even bother to check what was in the first room to the left.

wow.. Donna was right... Spare doors…  
**I hate to interrupt but..  
**_OH GOD NO JACK!  
_**OH GOD NO JACK!  
**_**OH GOD NO JACK!  
**__**Yeah, I get the point.**_

* * *

**AN: **Thanks to the guest 'ROSE AND TEN' who sent this chapter in. R&amp;R!


	33. Current Location: Unknown

_Adric is italics  
_K-9 is normal text  
_**4th Doctor is bold italics**_

* * *

_K9, can you tell me what coordinates we are at right now?  
_Calculating, Young Master  
_So? Where are we?  
_Insufficient Data, Young Master  
_What do you mean?  
_Current location: unknown  
_You mean we're lost.  
_Affirmative  
_**No we're not, we're on Lanzarote. Or Messaline. Or maybe it's Mars.  
**__So you have no idea where we are?  
__**It's not my fault all these planets look the same!  
**_Current location: Sol 3 in Mutter's Spiral  
_We're on Earth? Again?  
_Correct, Young Master  
_**Then why does this place look like so many other planets?  
**_Current location: Quarry in Wales  
_How odd. Really, what are the chances of a quarry looking like another planet?  
_Eighty-nine point three percent exactly, Master  
_**We might as well stay in a quarry then! We'd certainly spend less time getting captured.  
**_Warning, young Master! Sensors detect hostile life forms approaching!  
_Let's get out of here._

* * *

**AN: **Thanks to Elionu for giving me permission to use the idea from 'All the Planets Look Alike.' It's an awesome story. R&amp;R!


	34. I MUST NOT KILL BIG ANIMALS

JAMIE MCCRIMMON IS CAPITALS  
_2nd Doctor is italics_

* * *

I MIST NOT KILL BIG ANIMALS JUST COS I DONT LYK THE LOOK OF THEM.  
_No.  
_I MUST NOT KILL BIG ANIMALS JUST COS I DONT LIK THE LOOK OF EM.  
_No.  
_I MUST NOT KIL BIG ANIMALS JUST CUS I DONT LIKE THE LOK OF THEM.  
_No.  
_I MUST NOT KILL BIG ANIMILS JUST COS I DONT LIKE THE LOOK OFF THEM.  
_No.  
_I MUST NOT CILL BIG ANIMALLS JUST COS I DONT LIKE THE LOOK OF THIM.  
_No.  
_I MUST NIT KILL BIG ANMILALS JUST CUS I DONT LYK THE LOOK OF THEM.  
_No.  
_I MUST NOT KIL BEG ANAMILS JUST COS I DONT LIKE THE LOOK OF THEM.  
_No.  
_I MEST NOT KILL BIG ANIMALS JEST COS I DONT LIKE THE LOOK OF THEM.  
_No._  
I MUST NOT KILL BIG ANIMALS JUST COS I DONT LIKE THE LOOK OF THEM.  
_Correct! Now go and right that 20 times._  
I MUST NOT KILL BIG ANIMALS JUST COS I DONT LIKE THE LOOK OF THEM.  
_Not here, Jamie. Go find some paper._

* * *

**AN:** Hi again, sorry about not posting recently... I hope that actually made some sense. The idea was better in my head. R&amp;R!


	35. River and Eleven

_River Song is italics  
__**6th Doctor is bold italics  
**_11th Doctor is normal font

* * *

_Hello sweetie.  
__**Who is that?  
**_Hi, River. You're writing on the door too?  
_**What? Is that me? Someone is flirting with me?  
**__Everyone else has... It always amazes me how many people you've managed to convince to come in here.  
__**Well, I do try and warn them of the dangers, but so many insist to come.  
**_I do try to warn them what it's like, travelling on the TARDIS, but many are very insistent.  
_I suppose my mother would come under the 'very insistent' category.  
_Yes. You would, too. You aimed a gun at me!  
_**Who is this? WHY AM I NOT REPLYING?  
**__Spoilers.  
_What happened to ignoring me?  
_**You were planning to ignore me?  
**__Not really. It just kind of... Happened.  
_Well, I was planning it. You were very easy to annoy. Your choice of clothing made you hard to ignore, though.  
_You're one to speak on choice of clothing. Bow ties and fezzes and stetsons...  
_Oi! Bow ties are cool. And Fezzes. And Stetsons... Anyway, have you seen the technicolour coat?  
_He was the one that wore that? Quite a fetching item, come to think of it.  
__**Thank you! Finally someone who understands.  
**_You're kidding, right?  
_Yes.  
_Oh, thank heavens for that.

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to MysteryGal5 for suggesting this. R&amp;R!


	36. Clara and Ten

_Clara is italics_  
**_ 10th Doctor is bold italics_**

* * *

Clara had gotten tired of joining in conversations, and decided that it was time to start one.  
_Seriously, how can I get out of here? And don't say follow the corridor and turn left._  
_** If you go right to the end of the corridor and turn left, then go to the end of that room, there should be a door. Allons-y!** _  
_There are lots of doors there! The whole room is full of doors._  
**_ Then you should have no trouble getting out._**  
_SPARE DOORS. None of them are actually connected to anything. _  
**_What? Whaat? Whaaaat?_**  
_Surely you would have noticed the other messages about spare doors? You did reply to them._  
**_Oh Yes! Some kind of memory wipe to make me forget messages! That's brilliant!_**  
_It is? Really?_  
_**Well.…No.** _  
_At least I'm not the only one the TARDIS plays jokes on._

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Sophia for suggesting this one. Send in any ideas you have. R&amp;R!


	37. Hi, it's me, not dead

_Italics is Jenny (the Doctor's Daughter)  
_Normal text is the 10th Doctor  
_**Bold italics is River Song**_

* * *

_Hi dad!  
__Yes, It's really me. Not dead.  
__How come I'm alive? I don't know. I'm guessing the Source brought me back to life at the same time as Messaline. But they don't need me there, so here I am, out amongst the stars, having fun- planets to save, civilisations to rescue, creatures to defeat, and an awful lot of running to do! So much to see, so much to learn. Is that how you started?  
__I've no idea how to contact you, but I met this gun in this cantina, and he told me how they used to put a message in a bottle and throw it out to sea. And the best bit was somebody always found the bottle. So maybe, one day, you'll find this and come looking for me?  
I'll try to make you proud of me.  
__Love  
__Jenny_

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Do I know you?  
Hello?  
It's really very rude to ignore people.  
_**You do realise that message was glued to the door? I don't think this 'Jenny' was ever here. Someone just found the message and glued it here.  
**_But why would they do that if I don't know them?  
_**Maybe you meet her in the future.  
**_Maybe. I wonder who she might be.

What? Whaat? Whaaaaat? Jenny's dead! It's mean to play jokes on people, you know!  
Who even put that there?

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to the guest who suggested this one. I got Jenny's note from the book 'The Doctor: His Lives and Times'. If you sent in an idea, I will write it, but you guys sent in heaps so it might be a while before I get to yours. Not that I'm complaining- this is way better than sitting here with no ideas at all. R&amp;R!


	38. EXTERMINATE!

DALEK IS CAPITALS  
_**Bold italics is 3rd Doctor  
**_Normal text is 5th Doctor  
_Italics is 8th Doctor  
_**Bold is 10th Doctor**

* * *

OOOOOO  
O  
OOOOOO  
O  
OOOOOO  
_**Is that a Dalek trying to carve 'exterminate' into the door?  
**__I think it might be.  
_Why is there a Dalek on the TARDIS?  
**Very good question.  
**_I don't think a Dalek has ever made it into the TARDIS.  
_Yes, one did. But it never got past the console room.

_**Then how can this be happening?  
**_EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

_Let's get out of here._

* * *

__**AN: **Thanks to MusicKeeper for suggesting this one.


	39. Does anyone actually know the way out?

_Clara is italics  
__**Jack is bold italics**_

* * *

Clara was getting angrier and angrier as time passed. At least the TARDIS had stopped increasing the cooling systems, but she'd still like to get out.

_Can anyone help me get out of here? Anyone?  
__**Why, I guess I could help you out of here… for a price.  
**__Okay, can anyone other than Jack help me get out of here?  
__Please? Anyone?  
__**Why doesn't anyone want my help?  
**__Maybe because you're very demanding.  
__**Aww, it's not that much to ask for…  
**__No. I'll stay here, if that's okay with you.  
__**No, insist-  
**__NO. I'll stay here, thank you. BYE.  
__Actually, you're also at a different point in the TARDIS' time stream. How would you get here anyway?  
__**I could just tell you to go to the end of the corridor and turn left.  
**__Ha ha ha. Does no one actually no the way out of here?_

_I'll take that as a no._

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to In-My-Head-749 for suggesting this. If you've sent in an idea, I'm trying to get to it. I have a list. It keeps getting longer. Sorry if it takes me a while to get to yours.


	40. United Nations

_Amy is italics  
**11th Doctor is bold italics**_

* * *

_ Doctor? You know how there's the United Nations? Well, when humans start settling on other planets, does it still exist? Is there, like, the planet of the United States? There was the Starship UK. Are they united?  
**Yes, actually. They're called the Great and Bountiful Human Empire and emissaries work together to maintain peace.**  
Does that mean that when they find out about the Star Whale someone's going to go and charge the UK with breaking Star Whale rights or something?  
**I shouldn't think so.**  
Well, then, what does this Great and Bountiful Human Empire actually do?  
**They hold meetings to decide on big issues like wars. **  
And a tortured Star Whale doesn't count?  
**If the Starship UK did actually reveal the truth about the whale, then I doubt very much would be done for it. Politicians never like rushing decisions. **  
So it's all political. They might not even tell the truth. Do they ever manage to do anything?  
**Other than being a figurehead? They actually do help keep the Great and Bountiful Human Empire from plunging into chaos. It needs all the help it can get.**  
So are we going there?  
**Actually, I was thinking that it would be fun to land on a pirate ship.**  
Hmm. Politics or pirates.  
Let's go. Pirates are cool.  
**Yes, they most certainly are. They have cool hats.**  
Not cool hats. But let's just go because if we don't you'll never stop trying to prove that they are cool._

* * *

**AN: **Hello! Okay, that was way to energetic. If you go to my school (Lost in a Daze is the only one I'm certain is reading these yet, but hey) then you'll know why the UN seemed to appear in my head as I was writing. It's school holidays now so I'll try and get through the list of ideas you've sent in. R&amp;R!


	41. I dig archaeology

_**River Song is bold italics  
**_**Bernice Summerfield is bold  
**_10th Doctor is italics_

* * *

_Is River Song here? I want to know why I would even bother talking to her in the future. I'm a time traveller. I point and laugh at archaeologists.  
_**Doctor? Is that you? I'm a time traveller too, and I'm an archaeologist.  
**_Oh...Hello Benny. I just met an archaeologist who knows about my future.  
_**So she's an archaeologist from the future researching your future.  
**_Actually, I think she's from the past, researching my future. Any clarifications?  
__**Spoilers.  
**_**Well, that was helpful.  
**_Why would I put up with someone like that anyway? She's far too mysterious for her own good.  
__**Maybe that's why you bother talking to me. Because I'm mysterious and you want to work out who I am.  
**__...  
__**You're welcome.  
**_**Wow. You've got talent.  
**_**I know. Isn't he hilarious when he's annoyed?  
**_**Can you imagine him with kids?  
**_**That one, not really. But the version I know best is basically a child himself. He seems to get on quite well with them.  
**__Is this your way of talking about me behind my back? Because it's really not working.  
_**Yes, that one would really be very bad with kids.  
**_Can you two stop talking about kids? It's quite disconserting. _

_**This is fun.  
**_**Yes, it is. But I think I'd better go, it looks like the planet is about to implode.  
**_**Ah. Have fun. Talk to you later.  
**_**Bye.**

**Oh bugger. The planet did just implode. And I left my access pass to Braxiatel's collection outside. Oh well. I'm always losing it anyway. Maybe Brax can just give me another one.**

* * *

**AN:** Benny was a companion of the 7th Doctor who was created after Doctor Who went off air. An archaeologist, if you didn't guess. Sorry if I wrote her wrong, I'm only just getting into the audios. I will start on the ideas people have sent in tomorrow, I promise. R&amp;R!


	42. You're my what?

_River Song is italics_  
9 is normal text

* * *

_Hello sweetie._  
Well that's just fantastic. Who's trying to flirt with me in my TARDIS?  
_Oh, I do like that. All sort of… Dark._  
Who are you?  
_Your wife._  
Don't be ridiculous. Me? A wife?  
_A future you. I'm guessing that you're the sassy ninth one._  
I don't know who you are. Get out of my TARDIS. Now.  
_Remember, I'm the one who wrote the 'one psychopath per TARDIS' rule. Oh, that's right. That hasn't happened yet._  
What hasn't happened yet?  
_Spoilers._  
Who says 'Spoilers'? What's 'Spoilers'? Who are you anyway?  
_I'm River Song. And Spoilers._  
Well, nice to meet you, 'River Song'. What kind of name is that anyway?  
Now GET OUT!  
_Well, if you're so insistent, I'll go back to my nice warm cell now._  
Cell? You're in prison? For what?  
_Murder. Of a man who never actually existed._  
Even if I somehow believed that, I don't see why I would ever be willing to talk to you. Leave. NOW.  
_Oh, all right. I'm going. I'd forgotten how much fun it was to annoy that version of you._

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to GingerTyPerior who suggested this one and another one quite a while ago. I'm working on the other, it's a great idea but I really want to get it right so it might be a while before I publish it. Thanks to everyone who sent in ideas. R&amp;R!


	43. Clara and River

Clara is normal text  
_River is italics_

* * *

Why doesn't the TARDIS like me? It's like, it decided that it was going to like Doctor Song so it couldn't like me! This all seems so unfair! Why do I have to be the one caught walking in circles?  
_The reason the TARDIS likes me is because I am a 'child of the TARDIS'-I was conceived aboard it. You aren't the first to find that she can be quite temperamental. Even the Doctor has his troubles. He can hardly fly her where he wants to go.  
_Wait, you were conceived aboard the TARDIS? She actually let that happen? He actually let that happen?  
_I don't think he knew about it.  
_But the TARDIS allowed it…  
_I'm reasonably certain that the main reason there were bunk beds in the room was due to a combination of the Doctor acting like a five-year-old and the TARDIS' idea of a practical joke.  
_Okay! Too Much Information!  
_You did ask.  
_Still, I didn't need to know that.  
_How long do you think the TARDIS is going to display this message for? I think she'll keep it front and centre first time anyone ever finds this door.  
_I don't know whether that's a good or bad thing.  
_Well, it would be entertaining.  
_Of that, I have no doubt. I seem to recall seeing a room full of security cameras mentioned on here. I might just have to watch people's reactions.  
_Me too! If you can ever find it.  
_Oh yeah. Like the TARDIS would actually ever let me do something like that.  
_Don't patronise her. She does have a rather cruel sense of humour.  
_Yes. One involving hologram leopards and cooling systems.  
_Ah. That was how she made you find this place, was it?  
_What do you think?  
_Hologram leopards. I must remember to try that on him someday.  
_Now this, I have to see.

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to AnnaTwoFourSix for recommending this one. R&amp;R!


	44. Are you flirting with me?

Donna is normal text  
_**Jack is bold italics**_

* * *

Oi! Jack! Are you there?  
_**Yes, I'm here. Of course I'm here. Everyone's here.  
**_Don't be sarcastic with me, Captain. I am the queen of sarcasm.  
_**Was that supposed to be sarcastic?  
**_You really don't understand a joke, do you?  
_**What do you want to say?  
**_You don't actually want to strike up a conversation? Now that is a first.  
_**Donna, are you trying to flirt with me?  
**_Yes.  
_**Right.  
**_Jack, you flirt with anything that moves and you're not flirting back.  
_**Not quite anything that moves.  
**_As I can see. Why won't you flirt with me?  
_**Something about short-tempered redheads always seems to put me on edge  
your mother would kill me  
**_Doesn't seem to be that big an issue for you.  
_**Yes, but she'd do it painfully.  
**_Fair enough. But she won't ever find this. You could flirt back.  
_**I'd rather not.  
**_I'm feeling really let down now. Captain Jack Harkness will not flirt with me.  
_**I bet you are.  
**_YES! I made you say that!  
_**The whole point of this was to make me say 'I bet you are'?  
**_Maybe.  
_****** you, *****.  
**_Thanks. I love you too.  
_**Okay.…I'm leaving now. That doesn't happen very often. You've actually managed to make me feel embarrassed.  
**_And ultimate victory is mine!

* * *

**AN: **Okay, my brain scares me sometimes. Thanks to MysteryGal5 who suggested something that was probably meant to be completely different to this... I'm going to stop writing now and try and find some shred of sanity in my head. Bye.  
(Please review anyway)


	45. And who, exactly, are you?

The Rani is normal text  
_Romana I is italics, even though the timelines don't match up  
__**6th Doctor is bold italics**_

* * *

This whole setup is illogical. What, exactly, is the point of writing messages to someone if you could just talk to them?  
_And who, exactly, are you?  
_That would depend on who you are.  
_I am Romanadvoratrelundar, president of the Time Lords.  
_Ah. Another one. They really do get around to assassinating you lot, don't they? And I wonder why the Doctor would put up with you. Such an incompetent species. Geniuses, but completely incapable of understanding their full potential.  
_I take it you are acquainted with our kind?  
_Acquainted? I am one. I am the Rani. Your predecessor exiled me when a genetically modified rat ate his cat, bit him and forced him to regenerate. They exiled me! Me! Just because of a side effect of one of my experiments.  
_**Romana? You should stop communicating now, you're in great danger! Oh, and may I add that as president of the time lords, you are now officially a pompous, power-hungry idiot that I am going to have to stop someday, so you might as well step down now.  
**_I underestimated your hate of the High Council, Doctor. But your friend is in no danger.  
_Yes, as the timelines don't match up, it's not possible for us to do anything other than write messages.  
_So, at least she has some idea of trans-temporal relationships. Even though I have a feeling even one of your precious humans could understand that.  
_**Rani, just two questions. How did you get in here, and what do you want?  
**_The answer to both questions: You. And if you will excuse me, I have an experiment to plan.  
_That was… Rather uninformative.  
__**Yes, I wonder what she was after.  
**__Or rather, what she wanted you for. Do be careful, she could prove dangerous.  
__**Don't you have some time lords to govern or something?  
**__Well, if you're going to be rude, then I'm going to leave also._

* * *

**AN:** Ok, I know that it was Romana II and III that were president, but I find that her first incarnation seems to do the very haughty, powerful lady mannerisms very well, so I decided to use her instead. It's entirely plausible that her first incarnation was made president at one stage, I'm struggling to keep up with things in the _Gallifrey_ audio series (It's really good) but it would probably be easier if I started at the beginning...

Anyway. If you can just accept that there's timey wimey stuff going on here, I was watching Time and the Rani and couldn't resist adding the Rani into this story. I think she's my favourite villain, now.  
R&amp;R!


	46. Doctor James McCrimmon

_2nd Doctor is italics  
_Jamie McCrimmon is normal text  
_**Rose Tyler is bold italics**_

* * *

_**Can anyone explain why, when we met Queen Victoria in Scotland, the Doctor pretended to be a Doctor James McCrimmon? Usually he uses Doctor John Smith.  
**__Yes? I travel with a Jamie McCrimmon. He's the most reliable companion I've had. What version of me used that name?  
__**I think he's ten.  
**_The Doctor pretended to be me? What beasties was he fighting, then?  
_It was when we first met Queen Victoria. We met a werewolf afterwards.  
__**A werewolf? There is actually such a thing as a werewolf?  
**_A man that's actually a wolf? Aye, I dinnae if that beastie would be easy to kill.  
_Jamie, you shouldn't just kill anything that seems strange. I'm sure I didn't kill it.  
__**Actually, you did.  
**_See, Doctor, even you kill sometimes.  
_I'm sure there was a good reason for it. And wasn't the whole point of this about me calling myself Jamie?  
__**Yes, but now that you've explained about Jamie I'm more interested in the current conversation.  
**_The Doctor got angry that I was shooting big animals that had taken Victoria and he made me write lines.  
_And his spelling was creative, to say the least.  
__**Oh. All of those 'I must not kill big animals just because I don't like the look of them' were you?  
**_Aye.  
_**Right. If it's any consolation, The Doctor made Jack throw his gun into the acid seas of Marinus.  
**_At least he's let me keep my dirk.  
_Only on the condition that you don't use it.  
__**As entertaining as this is, I think I'm going to leave now.**_

* * *

**AN:** GirlOfScotland requested more 2/Jamie and loststorieshogwartz asked for more Rose. And then I rewatched Tooth and Claw, which made this quite obvious. Sorry if I wrote 2/Jamie wrong, I need to see more of the 1st and 2nd Doctor episodes. R&amp;R!


	47. A year late

_Rose is italics_  
9th Doctor is normal text

* * *

_ You brought me home a year late! My mum's never going to forgive you!_  
Oh, that's fantastic. I upset her mother. And I suppose you're going to complain about me upsetting Mickey the idiot as well.  
_You mean you don't actually care what people think of you?_  
Rose, I don't do domestics. You already know that.  
_You could at least try not to make people angry!_  
Why would I do that? Stupid apes. Does it really matter what people think?  
_I don't think you understand the concept of tact._  
I'm very tactful.  
When I want to be.  
_Yeah right._

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Artsoccer for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	48. Redheads

Amy is italics  
Donna is normal text

* * *

Why would River Song react like that to seeing me? It's like she knew something that was going to happen…  
_She might have. River's a clever girl, and she's a time traveller._  
So something is going to happen to me.  
_You don't know that for certain. She likes to play jokes on people too, she's probably just trying to freak you out._  
I think she was serious. But she's from a long time in the future, right? Nothing's going to happen for a long time.  
_Good luck convincing yourself of that. What's your name? I'll see if I can find any information on you._  
I'm Donna Noble, the red-haired one.  
_Red-haired? Me too. You don't happen to be Scottish?_  
No. A red-haired Scottish girl? How does the Doctor cope?  
_Surprisingly well. I don't think we could be the only ones who argue a lot._  
Here, I found security cameras. Wow.  
_Who?_  
It seems that he travelled with a red-haired schoolboy named Turlough who tried to kill him and an Australian air hostess who's a self-proclaimed mouth on legs. At the same time.  
_Yeah, it's not that surprising that he can deal with us._

Doesn't mean I'm going to make it easy for him.  
_No, where's the fun in that?_

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Blueflame27 for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!

**Update:** there are italics in here now. Thanks to MysteryGal5 and Lost in a Daze for alerting me to the fact that I'd forgotten to put them in.


	49. Clara, Clara and Clara

_Clara Oswin Oswald (Victorian Clara) is italics  
_Clara Oswald (present day) is normal text  
**Oswin (dalek) is bold**

* * *

_This place is impossible. It's smaller on the outside! How does that work?  
_The Doctor said that it's dimensionally transcendental. But if you look up 'transcendental' in the dictionary it's from the worn 'transcend' meaning to go beyond something or surpass. I think it's just fancy wording for it crosses dimensions.  
**That would imply that it's Time Lord science. I don't think this is Dalek, and I haven't heard of any other races that either developed or stole this kind of technology.  
**_Who are you? And what's a Dalek? It sounds familiar, but I don't know where I've heard it from. It's like I recognised this place even though I've never seen it before._

Clara froze. The Doctor didn't have any trouble talking to other versions of himself, but at least they had different faces and personalities. It seemed like she was having a conversation with herself. Two other versions of herself.

**I'm Oswin, Junior Entertainment Manager on the Starship Alaska. Daleks are evil.  
**_Starship? What?  
I'm Clara Oswin Oswald. I'm a governess for the Latimer family. I'm also a barmaid at the Rose &amp; Crown. It's weird- we have the same name and I can't help but feel that I should know you.  
_**There was someone else here, talking about Dimensionally Transcendental stuff. Who are you?  
**

Clara hesitated before writing again. This was weird.

I'm Clara Oswald. I'm a nanny for the Maitland kids. And I do know why we all have the same name and seem to be the same person, but I don't think I should say?  
_Why not?  
_It's not like you'd believe me anyway. But I think we might all be the same person.  
**That's impossible.  
**I think it's best if we stop communicating, it might not be good for the timelines if you/we know too much.  
_I don't understand! How could we all be the same person?  
_**I don't know, but if it's true this could seriously damage the timelines if we are communicating with our past and future selves.  
**_It seems Clara- the one with information-has gone.  
_**Yes, and I think it's best if we go too.**

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to MysteryGal5 for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!

**Update:** Thanks Lost in a Daze- it is starship, not starliner. You are now my official continuity editor.


	50. Leaving

_Rose Tyler is italics  
_Tegan Jovanka is normal text  
**Donna Noble is bold  
**_**Ace is bold italics**_

* * *

_I thought I was going to stay with the Doctor forever, but I just met Sarah Jane and if you look at everyone on here, it doesn't look like I'll be able to. Why not? Why has everyone left?  
_Adric died. I left soon after, but I couldn't settle back into normal life so I came back.  
**Me too. I met the Doctor on my wedding day, and then when I tried to go home nothing seemed the same so I went and found him again. It was way too easy. Anything weird, and he'll be there.  
**_**Mel went to travel home with Sabalom Glitz just before I joined. I don't know why anyone would want to travel with him, he's very shady and somewhat sociopathic.  
**__Well, Adam was a bit of an idiot and the Doctor kicked him out. And then Jack died just before the Doctor regenerated.  
_**The Doctor mentioned Martha Jones. Apparently bad stuff happened and she returned to help her family.  
**Bad stuff happened? Doesn't it always?  
_**Hex entered the Time Vortex to stop Fenric from gaining total power. Even though he escaped, he lost his memories. Why did Sarah Jane leave?  
**__She said that the Doctor just left her behind and returned to Gallifrey to answer a summons from the Time Lords. Apparently he didn't even leave her in the right place.  
So, of all the people we know of, two died, one lost their memories, two chose to leave, and two were left behind. What do you think's going to happen to me?  
__**If you're so certain you'll never leave him, then you'll probably either die or lose your memories. Or maybe you'll be left behind.  
**__The Doctor would never leave me behind.  
__**Really? He's quite manipulative. Don't be so certain.  
If you really think that's the case, then you might be left behind because there's no other choice.**_

**That was Rose Tyler, right?  
**I think so.  
**Well, I just found records stating that she was pulled into a parallel universe stopping the Cybermen and Daleks from taking over London. Can you see the future, or something?  
**_**No. I hoped I was wrong. But, knowing the Doctor, he wouldn't let someone die so soon after 'Jack' and not many seemed to lose their memories. Maybe that's coming up again. But it seemed most likely that she would be left behind.  
**_It's kind of scary how you worked that out.  
I'm leaving now. I don't really want to be told how I'm going to leave.  
_**Me neither.  
**_**Or me.**

* * *

**AN: **50 chapters! YAY! If you've sent in an idea, I'm working on it, but there are a lot to get through.  
Still... 50 chapters! I never thought I'd actually manage to get this far. R&amp;R!


	51. Donna and Nine

_Donna is italics_

9th Doctor is normal text

* * *

_Oi! Martian._

Do I really look like I'm from Mars Animal?

_Animal? I'm not an animal time boy!_

I never said you were an animal. I said you were Animal. THE Animal, are you stupid or something?

_And what's that supposed to mean?! And I'm obviously not the stupid one here, and really, what kind of idiot these day's wears a leather jacket?_

How can you not know Animal? He's from the Muppets. Reminds me of you he does. Oh yeah, I'm the idiot here… For your information Leather jackets are all the rage.

_What the hell is a Muppet? And you are Space Man! Leather jackets are all the rage? Ha! In what century? _

Google it! In every century!

_You're in for it now Time Boy… How the hell do you even know what I look like, are you stalking me?!_

I know everything. Unlike you, another stupid ape among the human race.

_What's that supposed to mean?!_

Throw yourself in I said, use the wrong verbs I said. But this is too much. Now I end up doing this, befriending you. What kind of drugs was my tenth regeneration doing?

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to:  
Thejadefwa for writing this chapter  
GingerTyPerior for first suggesting it  
Tardispotato and Allonsytimeandspace for suggesting it also  
R&amp;R!


	52. Monks

_Clara is italics  
_Amy is normal text  
**11th Doctor is bold**

* * *

_Why did the Doctor first arrive dressed like a monk?  
_He dressed up as a Headless Monk to get me and Melody away from Madame Kovarian.  
_Headless Monks?  
_Yes, they're really headless. They think that it's more important to listen to their hearts than their heads, so they behead themselves. Well, really other members behead them and they can't actually think, but…  
_That still doesn't explain why he would turn up on my doorstep in 2013 dressed as a monk.  
And he definitely had a head.  
_Well, you never know. Timey wimey stuff maybe. He might have just popped in to visit you while they were looking for me.  
**No, I only meet Clara later.  
**Okay. Then why were you dressed as a monk?  
_I'd like to know that too.  
_**I'd just come from a monastery in Cumbria in 1207, okay? There wasn't anything important in it.  
**Definitely no Headless Monks, Raggedy Man?  
**No, Pond, no Silence either. Well, none of the living kind.  
**That's good to know.

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to GingerTyPerior for suggesting one with Clara and Amy. R&amp;R!


	53. Regeneration, angry mothers and stuff

_Rose Tyler is italics  
_10th Doctor is normal text

* * *

_How are you the Doctor? The Doctor sounds like he's from the North and wears a leather jacket and has big ears. You're not from the North, well, not as far, and you wear a suit and you're ears aren't as big.  
_I regenerated, Rose. I was dying and this was the only way to stay alive.  
_But the Doctor wouldn't die! He wouldn't leave me!  
_I didn't die. I just changed. Ask anyone else here, I've done it before.

_No one's answered.  
_Please? Some help here? Anyone?  
_You aren't the Doctor, are you? You're just some imposter.  
_I am not! I'm me! Remember the Autons? I grabbed your hand and told you to run. And then we went to the end of the world and ate chips. And Adam joined, but he was an idiot so we dropped him home. It's me, Rose. I'm the Doctor.  
_Can't you prove it?  
_I thought I just did! I promise, I'm not some random alien under polyjuice potion or something.  
_The last book was amazing. But why did _**(The following names crossed out, with 'spoilers!' written underneath) **_have to die?  
_I agree. That was evil. Anyway, how are you going to test me?  
_Who slapped you?  
_What! That's an evil question. You have to bring your mother up in this?  
Aren't both people supposed to test each other? Um, who hid in the cupboard in Downing Street with you?  
_Harriet Jones, Prime Minister. But that's beside the point. How do you know all of this?  
_You really think I would tell someone this much? Even the fact that your mother slapped me?  
_No, I suppose being slapped by my mother must have been quite embarrassing.  
_Yes! Don't you see? I'm the Doctor, Rose. Can we go to Barcelona now? They have dogs with no noses!  
_How do they smell?  
_Terrible.  
Allons-y! Oh, I like that word.  
_The Doctor would have said 'fantastic.'  
_I know I would have. Come on.

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to 'Thereadingturtle' and 'Hai' for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	54. Who is this Jack fellow?

_1st Doctor is italics  
_2nd Doctor is normal text  
_**3rd Doctor is bold italics  
**_**4th Doctor is bold  
**Captain Jack Harkness is underlined

* * *

Who is this Jack fellow? Why is everyone so worried about him writing anything?  
_My dear boy, isn't it obvious? He's quite clearly insufferably rude.  
__**Why would I choose to travel with someone if they were so rude I didn't want them to write here?  
**_**My thoughts exactly. I believe he needs a jelly baby or two to calm down.  
**_Oh, do stop going on about Jelly Babies! All that's needed is a little persuasion. I wonder why I haven't already__made him more civilised.  
_**Well, I'm having quite a bit of trouble with Leela, she insists on carrying her knife around and waves it at all sorts of things. She tried to stab a robot, the other day.  
**I must be getting very lax, if I can't tame a warrior!  
_**Yes, well I don't exactly remember you 'taming' Jamie.  
**__Could I all just stop arguing for a moment? I think what is most important is that this 'Jack' is sufficiently quietened.  
_Good luck with that.  
**What do you mean, 'good luck with that'? I am the President of Gallifrey! Admittedly, I'm trying to open it up so that the Vardans can invade. Or something.  
But still, I am President of the Time Lords! I am sure I can manage you.  
**I thought there was something on here where you were complaining that all Time Lord Presidents were corrupt.  
_**I become President? How can I become president if I've been exiled?  
**__Quite right, my boy. What am I doing as president?  
_**Letting the Vardans invade. But it backfired, I'm now being chased by Sontarans.  
**I thought this discussion was about me, not about sontarans invading Gallifrey.  
_You really are an egotistical young man, you know that?  
_And proud of it.  
**Ah. I think I understand why I've let him continue this, now.  
**Do you really?  
_**Yes, I think we should leave our future self to it and deal with this when the problem arises.  
**_Agreed.  
_I suppose that would be for the best.  
_**Yes, it would.  
**Yes! I beat four of you!

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Hai for asking for more with Jack, and oochya for suggesting this idea. R&amp;R!


	55. The Death of Adric

**WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THE AUDIO STORY 'THE BOY THAT TIME FORGOT'. READ ON AT YOUR OWN RISK.**

_5th Doctor is italics  
_Tegan is normal text

* * *

I can't believe that Adric had to die. Surely you could have saved him!  
_The TARDIS console was too badly damaged. I tried, I really did, but there wasn't anything I could do.  
_But this is a time machine! Can't we go back to the same time and place now and get him out?  
_I'm sorry, but crossing into established timelines is strictly forbidden. Can you imagine what would happen if you saw yourself?  
_I'd think that the Mara was trying to take over my mind again. But please, we have to try!  
_I'm sorry, Tegan. He's dead. There's nothing we can do.  
_You don't even care, do you?  
_What am I supposed to do? I don't want him to be dead any more than you do. But he is, and it's my fault! Why did he have to stay on the ship? Why couldn't he just leave with the others?  
_  
We argued all the time. I didn't even like him that much. But now he's dead and I never even got to apologise.

_He wasn't dead.  
_What?  
_Nyssa and I just met him. Apparently my subconscious interfered somehow and helped him break the last logic code, and he landed on Earth and ruled over a race of giant scorpions, creating the world through Block Transfer Computations.  
_Isn't that what the Master made him do on Castrovalva?  
_Basically, yes.  
_You said wasn't, not isn't.  
_The TARDIS began to self-destruct and he saved her and a boy called Thomas Brewster. He died again, and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it!  
_If you really cared, you wouldn't have let him die!  
_Tegan, _no. I don't want excuses. I'm leaving.

* * *

**AN:** This was meant to be a 5/Tegan ship for Bloodlily16, but it didn't really work...  
_'The boy that time forgot'_ happened in an alternate universe. I think. I hope, because Adric not being dead kind of detracts from the power of his death scene.  
Anyway, I will probably try another 5/Tegan one soon, because that was more angst than anything else. R&amp;R!


	56. Angry dad

11th Doctor is normal text  
_**River Song is bold italics  
**__Amy Pond is italics  
_**Rory Williams is bold**

* * *

Don't you find it a bit weird that your daughter is older than you?  
_Don't you find it a bit weird, being married to our daughter?  
_Yes, well, the whole family thing is quite new to me.  
_**Well, there's a first time for everything, isn't there?  
**_There's also a last. Telling you how to get here, River, is something that isn't going to happen again.  
_**Well, you've already told me, so…  
**_**River, what do you think you're doing?  
**_**Hello dad.…Not much.  
**__Well, I guess we kind of missed the whole 'sulky teenager' stage and got straight to the flirting bit.  
_You know, Amy, every time I look at your daughter I can only thank Rassilon that she never met an old acquaintance of mine.  
_**Who? Jack Harkness? Oh, he was fun. You let all kinds of naughty things slide past him. In fact, I suppose you still do.  
**_Oh no. No no no no no!  
_**Oh yes. He was a lot of fun.  
**_**River, stop it NOW. I am your dad, as demented as this all seems and I am ordering you to STOP.  
**_**Uh oh. I've upset my dad. What am I going to do?  
**_**River...  
**I'm leaving now.  
_me too.  
__**Aw, this is getting boring.  
**_**Go.  
**_**All right. Can we come back?  
**_**Go.  
**_**All right, I'm going! Seriously. What you have to do for parents in this century.**_

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to morganaftw for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	57. Jealous ex

_Rose Tyler is italics  
_**11th Doctor is bold  
**_**River Song is bold italics**_

* * *

_So, Doctor, were are we going next?  
_**Rose! Hey! Great to see you! What have you been doing?  
**_Um. You were standing right next to me a couple of seconds ago…  
__**Don't worry. Future version. He gets excited when he meets past companions.  
**__Wait, you can't be a future version of him, we were going to stay together forever! Where am I?  
__**Isn't that sweet... The Doctor and his stupid ape, together forever.  
**__Who are you?  
_**River, be nice. I haven't seen Rose in ages. Do you want a banana?  
**_**NO. You swapped my gun for a banana. I do not need a banana.  
**_**But bananas are good!  
**_You swapped her gun for a banana? Do you remember doing that to Jack?  
_**Where do you think I got the idea from?  
**_**What? Putting the gun in the fruit bowl and spinning it around when I tried to pick it up?  
**_**You were trying to kill me!  
**_You let someone onto the TARDIS who was trying to kill you?  
__**Oh, I'm not the first. That Turlough... Working for the black guardian and all, he seemed to be trying to kill you every other week!  
**_**River, if you don't stop interrupting, we'll find somewhere else to talk.  
**_**Like where?  
**_**Ok, Rose, top right hand corner of the door to continue this conversation.**

A quick glance to the top of the door proved to Clara that they did, indeed, continue the conversation.

**So, where were we?  
**_**Trying to talk without me interrupting.  
**__She sounds like a jealous ex.  
__**Me? You're the jealous ex here!  
**_**Well, nice talking to you Rose. Bye!  
**_**Coward.  
**__I hate you very much.  
__**Love you too, Miss Tyler.**_

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to GingerTyPerior for recommending this one. R&amp;R!


	58. Brigadier who?

Clara Oswald is normal text  
_**Sarah Jane Smith is bold italics  
**__Rose Tyler is italics_

* * *

_I don't understand- how could you say no to the Doctor? He offered that you could travel with him again.  
__**Yes, but I've moved on. Everything has its time, and everything ends. I've had my turn travelling with the Doctor, Rose, and now it's yours.  
**_You managed to meet the Doctor again? Out of all of time and space, he found you twice?  
_**Seems unlikely, doesn't it? But, well, if you find where all the strange, strange creatures are then you'll probably find him too. Or you could just join UNIT.  
**_Yes, I think he's met Kate Stewart twice now.  
_**Kate Stewart? You don't mean the Brigadier's daughter?  
**_I think so, yes. She's Head of Scientific Research.  
_Who's the Brigadier?  
__**Sir Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart. Effectively the founder of UNIT. It's been quite a while since I've seen him and the Doctor together- The Doctor had regenerated and was all teeth and curls at that point.  
**__Regenerated? What?_

Clara decided not to write anything else- if Rose didn't know about regeneration yet, then it would probably be good not to tell her.

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Elionu for suggesting more classic/modern interactions and Haleyrayxx for suggesting a conversation between Rose, Clara and Sarah Jane. R&amp;R!


	59. Bananas and self-fulfilling paradoxes

**11th Doctor is bold  
**_**River Song is bold italics  
**_10th Doctor is normal text  
Donna Noble is underlined  
_9th Doctor is italics  
__Rose Tyler is underlined italics_

* * *

_**What is it about the Doctor and bananas?  
**__Actually, that's quite a good question- why, of all things, did you switch Jack's gun with a banana?  
_Hey! Rose! Bananas are good!  
_Yes, they're a very good source of potassium.  
_You switched someone's gun with a banana? I thought you'd use the water pistol?  
Yes, well, the water pistol might not be a dangerous weapon but I'm sure Jack would have made it seem incredibly inappropriate. It really is a unique skill of his.  
**Not anymore it's not… Have you met my wife yet?  
**What? Whaat? Whaaaaat?  
_**Hello sweetie.  
But, I mean, seriously, a banana! You put the gun in the fruit bowl and spun it so that I picked up the banana!  
**__That sounds quite clever. I really ought to remember that one.  
_**Don't worry. You do.  
**Hang on.…If you only get the idea of putting the gun in the fruit bowl because you read it here, and it's only here because you did it… That's a paradox!  
Yes, Donna. I'll set out intending to create a self-fulfilling paradox. If it doesn't succeed, and I die, then the above sentence never gets written, and I never try that idea in the first place. This way, I cannot fail. I cannot die in that particular circumstance.  
**Actually.…Whether I die or not is currently an issue up for debate… The gun bit works, but River's a sneaky girl… I really should have seen that coming…  
**What?

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to GingerTyPerior for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	60. Melody Pond II and III (and mum)

_Amy Pond is italics  
_Mels is normal text  
_**River Song is bold italics**_

* * *

_I can't believe you shot the TARDIS!  
_What? The Doctor said that weapons wouldn't work!  
_**You're going to regret that, when the TARDIS teaches you how to fly her.  
**__Who are you, and how do you know that?  
_Penny in the air…  
_**You'd think my own mother would recognise my handwriting.  
**_The penny drops.  
_Wait! What! River? Is that you? And how did Mels know?  
__**Spoilers.  
**__River...  
_What's wrong with me contacting future versions of myself for a practical joke?  
_This isn't even a good practical joke. Bunk beds was a thoroughly evil, but quite good one.  
__**Oh, this isn't the joke. The joke's not aimed at you. I just got bored. Well, previous me got bored.  
**__Then who's the target?  
__**The Doctor. Who else?  
**_Ready?  
_**Ready.  
**_  
_I really don't want to know._

* * *

**AN: **Sorry it took so long, I meant to post this on Friday but I got distracted rewatching _The Deathly Hallows part 2.  
_Thanks to Blueflame27 for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	61. Girlfriends and wives forget

_Italics is Rory Williams  
_normal text is Mickey Smith

* * *

Ever since the Doctor came, Rose has hardly even looked at me! He calls me 'Ricky' and forgets I'm there… And I spent a whole year waiting for her to come back, being dragged in and questioned by the police over her disappearance… It would be NICE if she would at least remember that I'm there.  
_Amy left on her wedding night. The Doctor had visited her when she was seven, and everyone told her that he was imaginary- four psychiatrists gave up on her- but she kept believing, and Mels always believed he was real, and I played along. But then, the night before our wedding, she disappears into a big blue box. Not that I knew, not until they turned up at my stag party and the Doctor said that Amy had tried to kiss him.  
_Wow, you really had it rough. At least me and Rose weren't going to get engaged.  
_Well, I suppose that, since I stopped existing soon after that, I can forgive her.  
_You stopped existing? Yeah, that makes Rose ignoring me seem like nothing.  
_A lot of what happens with the Doctor makes most things seem like nothing.  
_Very true. Are you two still engaged?  
_No... We started to fight, and I think she realised I wanted kids and she couldn't have them... I left.  
_Another thing lost, travelling with the Doctor. If only there was a safe version of travelling through time and space, where your girlfriend still remembered you existed and no one died.  
_If only._

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Dave the Psychotic Chipmunk for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	62. Snog box

_Amy Pond is italics  
_Clara Oswald is normal text  
**11th Doctor is bold**

* * *

_You collected me on my wedding night, while I was wearing my nightie, and took me out to the stars… Are you sure this is just a big blue box?  
_Yeah, do you really expect that you can arrive on my doorstep and expect me to hop into your snog box and fly away?  
**Oi! The TARDIS is not a snog box! You're insulting her! Clara, she's already sent you walking in circles, do you really think that this is going to help?  
**No, but it makes me feel better. Even though I think the cooling systems might have just been turned on again…  
**Exactly! The old girl's quite sensitive, you'd do well not to insult her.  
**But she does have a sense of humour.  
_Yes. Remember when I convinced you to activate the records of previous companions?  
_**Oh, I did that accidentally after she chased me with hologram leopards for the first time.  
**_The leather bikini was… somewhat odd.  
_Yes, and did you see the legs on the policewoman?**  
**_...  
_**Clara? The policewoman was Amy, who you're talking to now…  
**See what I mean about a sense of humour?

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Katierosefun for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	63. Rose Tyler, I-

_10th Doctor is italics  
__**River Song is bold italics  
**_**Captain Jack Harkness is bold  
**Jo Grant is normal text  
_Underlined italics is Sarah Jane_

* * *

_Why does Rose have to be gone? WHY?  
__**You told her you loved her. Have told her. Will tell her. Are telling her. Whatever.  
**_**You what?  
**Doctor, did you actually tell someone you loved her?  
_And you didn't even leave me in the right place! Aberdeen!  
__I thought, after the time war, that I wouldn't let anyone else come, but then she was there and I asked her to come. I should have left her there, then she would have been safe, not stuck in a parallel universe.  
_**Yes, well, she wouldn't have missed travelling with you for the world. Any world. All worlds. Seriously, Doc, you've got to stop worrying about her. Parallel people will look after her.  
**_**Yes, including a parallel you. She'll be fine.  
**__A parallel me? There's a parallel me?  
__**Spoilers.  
**_Doctor, if you're with Rose, even if it's not really you, how could she be anything other than fine?  
_Very true. And it sounds like she didn't want to leave, so if she's there, and you're there, then she'll be happy.  
__**Even if it isn't a real you. Well, I wasn't happy with the Teselecta, but that's mostly because you didn't tell me and I thought you were dead.  
**__I don't think I really want to ask.  
_**Yes, well just remember, if you ever need to pretend you're dead, use the Teselecta. Whatever that is.  
**Who is that? They're not being very helpful.  
_I still can't believe that you told Rose you loved her. You never said anything to us.  
__Yes, well, Jo, you had gone to get married! And Sarah… If I'd been able to take you with me, then I would have.  
__The other girl- what was her name? Leela? She was allowed to go to Gallifrey!  
__**Uh Oh. Jealous exes. Again. I'm leaving.  
**_**Yes, I've got enough of my own to deal with.  
**_Jack, are you really-  
_**Deserting you? Yes. Learn to deal with it yourself.**

_**You really are evil, Captain Jack Harkness.  
**_**And proud of it.**

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to GingerTyPerior for suggesting this one. My once massive list of suggestions has shrunk, I only have one more- if you have any ideas, send them in please! R&amp;R!


	64. Oh, I know what it's like

_Martha Jones is italics  
_Clara Oswald is normal text  
**Donna Noble is bold**

* * *

_I wish the Doctor would actually notice me. He said it himself, too- 'Oh! I know what it's like! It's like, when you fancy someone and they don't even know you exist.' Why can't he understand- that's how I feel ALL THE TIME.  
_**Why would anyone like the Doctor? Like that, I mean. He's fine as a friend. But, he's alien! And completely mad.  
**_Not the maddest Time Lord, the Master makes him see completely sane.  
_The Master? You know the Master?  
Given that this writing is pretty new, I'm guessing you're Martha Jones.  
_Yes... Please don't tell me he comes back. He can't come back. Please no.  
_No, I know him from... Somewhere else. Kind of. It's complicated.  
But the Doctor- he knows I exist, but it's more because he knows that I can't exist that he pays attention to me. I'm his impossible girl, a nice little puzzle.  
**I'm guessing that's kind of me too- We keep meeting each other. Out of everything in the universe, he keeps meeting me. But I don't care. It means I get to see all kinds of cool stuff.  
**Huh, that's kind of like me. Except he keeps meeting me and I keep dying, and then he meets me in another time with no idea what happened. I wish he would just accept that he likes me, though.  
_You think he does?  
_Well, he was possessed by a cyber-army and started flirting with me, so... What do you think that means?  
_Well, you're doing better than me.  
_**Oh, come on, you two. Take your romantic fantasies somewhere else and enjoy the scenery. And the running. There's far too much running in the universe-saving business.**

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to BlueFlame27 for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	65. Do I have a choice? Oh, stop arguing!

_Rose Tyler is italics  
_1st Doctor is normal text  
_**2nd Doctor is bold italics  
**_**3rd Doctor is bold  
****4th Doctor is bold underlined  
**5th Doctor is underlined normal text  
***6th Doctor is bold with asterisks*  
**_7th Doctor is underlined italics  
__**8th Doctor is bold underlined italics  
**_**?War Doctor is underlined bold with question marks?  
****(9th Doctor is bold with brackets)  
**^10th Doctor is normal text with these thingies^  
!11th Doctor is normal text with exclamation marks!

On second thoughts, I'll just write the speaker in front of the text...

* * *

**War: I don't really have a choice in this, do I? Billions of lives for the entire universe. Double genocide to save all of reality. No more Daleks, no more Time Lords. I just wish there was another way.  
**_Rose: But there isn't, is there? It's not like you could have just kindly asked the Daleks to back down. You had to do this.  
_**War: Who are you, and how do you know about the war? I was planning to ask my past selves.  
**10: Not your future?  
**War: I have no plans on surviving this. Who are you, and who was that before?  
**10: I'm one of your future selves. That was Rose, before.  
11: You'd probably know her as Bad Wolf girl. If you're up to that bit yet. Since you're still on the TARDIS and I don't recall having the Moment at this time, you won't know her. Sorry. I just wasted quite a bit of space, didn't I?  
**6: Is it possible for you to do anything other than speak?  
**10: No. And he can't talk without waving his hands around, either.  
_**8: Am I right in assuming that whatever this conversation is about, it occurs in my next incarnation?  
**_**9: Yes. You're lucky. Enjoy not being involved while you can.  
**_7: It can't really be that bad, can it?  
_**9: Oh. You. Scheming plotter one. Well, why don't you see if you can think up a way out? And try not to get anyone killed, we don't need another Hex.  
**5: There's no need to be rude... You're obviously not the one that I just met, who would that be?  
10: Hello! Sorry, don't mind him. He's very dark.  
1: I would appreciate it if you could all stop bickering for a moment and possibly pay attention to our future self, and focus on helping him out of his predicament.  
_**2: At least the next me hasn't turned up yet, then we'd be completely useless.  
**_**3: My dear chap, I think the issue resides in you.  
**10: Oh Dear. Now we really are no more than a group of bickering idiots.  
**War: I came here for advice, not to insult myself.  
**_Rose: There's nothing you can do. You can't change the future, and from the perspective of... Um... Three of you, I think, the war has already happened. You just have to do it.  
_**4: She's a clever one, and I've taught her the rules of time travel too. I'll do a good job with her.  
**5: And this is the reason Romana always wanted to talk in Gallifreyan. Even though it's a nightmare, the tense for something that a future you has done, and you are aware of, but haven't done yet is quite useful.  
**6: The number of times you would actually have to use that is-  
**11: Quite a few, if you marry a time-travelling archaeologist who is travelling backwards in your time stream.  
10: What? Do I marry her?  
11: Oops. Spoilers.  
**War: If you're going to be completely useless, then I'm just going to go ahead and do it.**

* * *

**AN: **I think my head exploded writing that... Ashwood's Flame requested one of Rose talking to all the Doctors, including war, and it started out like that. But I don't think it's possible to include more than 2 Doctors in any one conversation without constant bickering.

Sorry if that made absolutely no sense.  
R&amp;R!


	66. Ganging up on myself, and door sizes

Donna Noble is normal text  
_10th Doctor is italics  
__**11th Doctor is bold italics  
**_**6th Doctor is bold**

* * *

Seriously, Doctor, this door is too full. Just get another one.  
_**I can manage fine with this one, thanks.  
**_Yeah? Well, you're running out of space. We're already writing over someone else's message right now.  
_Donna, there is nothing wrong with this door.  
_Really? I think you're getting quite attached to it!  
**I think you are sorely mistaken, young lady.  
**Young lady? I'm not so young. Are you the one in the leather jacket, or the one with the crazy coat?  
_**He's the coat. But it's probably best not to patronise him.  
**__Yes, I could be a bit touchy back then.  
_The only thing I can say to that is 'sontar-HA-HA-HA'!  
_**Oh, very funny. Absolutely hilarious.  
**_**That is actually quite good.  
**_I never thought I would agree with him, but it is.  
__**Why am I ganging up on myself?  
**_Because you're wrong.  
Hopefully this conversation is embarrassing enough for you to get a new door.  
_**No. Never. Full stop.  
**_I can see the punctuation.  
_**Why did I let her travel with me?**_

* * *

**AN:** Kookiesnkream asked for more with Donna. I don't know how many times people have asked about the size of the door, but... I think that it's probably pretty large to start with, and then there are conversations overlapping each other all the time. The TARDIS would also work to hide spoilers, but Clara probably knows enough about regeneration and past companions that she can see most of the messages.

R&amp;R!


	67. The Face of Boe

_10th Doctor is italics  
_**Captain Jack Harkness is bold  
**_**Rose Tyler is bold italics**_

* * *

_**Ok. What just happened there?  
**__Where? What are you up to?  
__**I don't remember much, I just got possessed by a trampoline.  
**__Oh. That. You know, I was just thinking about that… You know that Jack was there too?  
__**What?  
**_**Good question. I don't remember ever watching Rose get possessed by a trampoline. It sounds fun, though.  
**_He's the Face of Boe.  
_**They used to call me that, yeah… What's so special about it? We gave John the name Vera.  
**_**You're kidding.  
**__No. I don't think I am.  
__**But, how? How does that even work?  
**_**How does what even work?  
**_**How does Jack become a giant head in a jar?  
**_**To go with the hand in a jar. What bit of Rose ends up in a jar?  
**_You really didn't need to say that.  
_**How do I end up in a jar anyway?  
**_I'm not sure. But even if I knew, it would probably be a bad idea to say.  
_**I'm not sure I even want to know.**

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to GingerTyPerior for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	68. Gone too far

_10th Doctor is italics  
__**Rose Tyler is bold italics  
**_**Captain Jack Harkness is bold**

* * *

_I've gone too far now. How am I better than any of them?  
__**I don't think it matters who 'they' are, you're better than everyone.  
**_**My ego is killing me to say this, but I agree with Rose.  
**_Jack, if I wasn't such a fool then you'd live a normal life. Don't try and tell me I'm good.  
_**Who'd want a normal life? That'd be boring. And you still saved my life, even though you switched my gun with a banana. Why are you so depressed, anyway?  
**_**I remember that... You told him to close the door because his ship was about to explode and there was going to be a draft. That was a really stupid thing to say.**__  
_**Nah, it was brilliant. Fantastic!  
**_I thought that I could change history, because I'm the one that lived, but I can't, what made me think the laws of time would work for me?  
_**Oh Dear. You killed Hitler. Since the universe hasn't ended yet, I think we'll live.  
**_**No, I don't think he killed Hitler. Maybe he tried to save JFK.  
**__Nope. It was the ninth me that watched that.  
_**Not that it really matters, we're still alive. And if you try and give me a banana to say thank you for stopping you from committing suicide or something... I'll shoot you. With a banana.  
**_**That really isn't very frightening.  
**__AAAH! I'M TERRIFIED! JACK'S GOING TO SHOOT ME WITH A BANANA! HELP!  
__**Yep, I think we've succeeded in cheering him up.**_

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Unknown2most for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	69. I, Davros

_11th Doctor is italics  
_Davros is normal text

* * *

_Okay! Surprise me! Someone from my future, enter conversation now!  
_You want me to do that, Doctor?  
_YAY! Someone answered! Who are you?  
_I'm surprised you haven't worked it out yet. Even though, you probably think I'm dead.  
_Master? Is that you?  
_Why, Doctor, I though you knew how the Master would speak.  
_Okay, who are you?  
_Davros, creator of the great Dalek race!  
_Oh, so they aren't trying to exterminate you this week?  
_Aren't you going to ask how I got on the TARDIS?  
_Yes, well, I was getting to that.  
_I had a plan, a stroke of brilliance… A plan that would set me up among the gods!  
_Another one? I thought you learned your lesson last time. So are you trying to exterminate me now?  
_You are remarkably callous about your own death, Doctor.  
_Yes, well it is going to happen sometime soon… How are you alive, by the way?  
_What was is your rather pathetic wife said? Spoilers?  
_...  
The problem with you, and your Daleks, and the Cybermen, is that so few insults actually have any meaning.  
_I don't appreciate being insulted by someone who I currently have at gunpoint. Even if it is a past version of them.  
_Don't you mean whisk-point?  
_Doctor...  
_Well, that was a suitably fun way to spend an afternoon. Byeee!_

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Squibble the Whovian Breadstick for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!  
Oh, and in _Genesis of the Daleks_ it's definitely 'up among the gods' NOT 'up above the gods'. If you're interested.


	70. Nothing dangerous on here, I hope

_Martha Jones is italics  
_**Dalek is bold  
**CYBERMAN IS CAPITALS

* * *

_Doctor? Is there anything dangerous on here? You haven't got a man that's made of metal on here somewhere, or something?  
_YOU WILL IDENTIFY YOURSELF  
_You first...  
_**You will identify yourself to us  
**_Okay, this is getting worrying  
_YOU WILL IDENTIFY FIRST  
**You will obey the Daleks!  
**_There's a dalek on here?  
_THE DALEKS HAVE IDENTIFIED THEMSELVES TO THE CYBERMEN  
_Cybermen? Don't tell me there are men made from computers in here.  
Or men made of metal. That was a joke. Please be a joke.  
_**You are the cybermen, you are inferior to the Daleks  
**DELETE  
**EXTERMINATE! SEEK! LOCATE! DESTROY! EXTERMINATE!  
**_I'm getting out of here._

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to TheChristmasSerialMurders for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!  
(Would Martha recognise a cyberman? When she was travelling with the Doctor, not after UNIT or something. Her cousin Adeola was killed by one, but she didn't know exactly what killed her in _Smith and Jones_, so I don't know...)


	71. Who am I? And who are you?

_Clara is italics  
_12th Doctor is normal text

* * *

_Seriously, how do you get out of here?_  
Well, I suppose that if you can't find your way out then you probably don't know how to fly her…  
_Doctor? Is that you?_  
I don't know. Am I me?  
_.…I think so. What are you saying, do you want me to learn to fly the TARDIS?_  
Oh dear. Are we crashing?  
Are you the help desk?  
_I don't think the TARDIS has a help desk._  
_And I really don't like the sound of this._  
Who are you, anyway?  
_Oh, you must be a past version of the Doctor, I'll be fine… I'm Clara._  
Clara.…That name seems familiar… Clara Oswin Oswald, the Victorian Governess? You're still alive?  
_Who?_  
Oh, sorry, are you Oswin? Wait, she's dead too. And a Dalek. Give me a minute to get my bearings.  
_You know, I think I might leave now. This is getting weird._  
No! Wait! We're crashing! I need you to show me how to fly this thing!  
Please!  
Bugger.

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Oochya for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	72. Terrible rhyming verse

11th Doctor is normal text  
**9th Doctor is bold  
**_10th Doctor is italics_

* * *

**So, where's the me that thinks that bow ties are cool?  
**That would be me. So? What do you think? They're awesome, aren't they!  
**Do I really turn in to him? What happens? Excessive radiation that turns my mind inside out? Because bow ties will NEVER be cool.  
**Oh yeah? Well, where are leather jackets fashionable anyway?  
**And apparently you think that a fez is a fetching piece of headgear. I wonder what planet you're from.  
**Gallifrey. The same as you. And no, I don't want one of those presidential headpieces. Those count as weird.  
**How exactly is that worse than a fez?  
**Some people can look good in a fez. Like me. No one looks good in one of those weird headpieces designed by Rassilon.  
**You really do like to waste space, don't you? It's not like you could have written a two-word answer, oh no, you had to write sentences. Can you ever stop talking?  
**_Leave him alone! He's you! I know it's really tempting to tease him, but it's not productive in the long term. Really.  
_**And anyway, are you the one who's started this silly rumour about a room full of spare doors? THERE IS NO ROOM FULL OF SPARE DOORS ON THE TARDIS.  
**No, that isn't me. I blame Jack. For everything.  
**Putting the blame onto one of my companions isn't going to work.  
**_Yes it does, because I blame Jack for everything too.  
_See! I'm not the only one! Thank you!  
**And who's helping you, then? Your special friend who has very similar handwriting to you?  
**_I remember I wasn't very friendly, but I don't recall ever trying to insult two of my future incarnations at the same time. Future me, Allons-y!  
_That is an absolutely terrible rhyme. It's hardly better than what happens when Gallifreyan is translated to English. 'He who to the tower of Rassilon goes, must choose above, between, below.' 'Zagreus sits inside your head; Zagreus lives among the dead; Zagreus sees you in your bed and eats you when you're sleeping.'  
Seriously! Who would have thought that Gallifreyan rhyming verse would still rhyme in English?  
**See what I mean about wasting space?  
**Oh, if you're still going to be rude, then I'll leave.

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to BlueFlame27 for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	73. Even more terrible rhyming verse

Romana I is normal text  
_Romana II is italics  
__**Romana III is bold italics  
**_**The Master is bold**

* * *

**Why, in the names of your precious little earthlings, have you written an English translation of the first verse of the Zagreus poem on here?  
**_**I really don't know, and I'd forgotten that there was more than one verse.  
**__If you're me, then how could you forget! We found Zagreus, for Rassilon's sake!  
_Since we've got the first verse, why not write out the whole thing?  
**Yes, then we can give all the ickle humans nightmares.  
**I suppose it's a bit scary…  
**No, not the poem. The terrible rhyming verse is enough to drive anyone insane.  
**_I suppose that's what happened to you. Driven mad by the terrible rhyming pattern that occurs when Gallifreyan is translated into English.  
_**Ha ha ha. I didn't know that the president of Gallifrey had a sense of humour.  
Yes, well that particular poem actually does match the beat of the drums…  
**Are we writing poetry or not?  
_**Oh, go on, you eager young thing. Show us your amazing abilities at translation.  
**_Well, I guess I should start with the first verse anyway…  
**Hurry up! You're taking up enough space as it is. I'm sure the Doctor doesn't want his entire door covered in poetry. Where is he, anyway?  
**_He's a bit.…tied up at the moment.  
_**Oh goody! Literally?  
**_Yes, well he was trying to sort out a small wiring problem in the console room and got tangled up. I thought that it was best to leave him for a while so that he could see how much more efficient my coordinating system is.  
__**Can we just let past me get over her sudden addiction to poetry now?  
**__Yes, sorry. Go on.  
_Zagreus sits inside your head  
Zagreus lives among the dead  
Zagreus sees you in your bed  
And eats you when you're sleeping.  
_**Oh, I remember this one!  
**_Zagreus at the end of days  
Zagreus lies all other ways  
Zagreus comes when time's a maze  
And all of history's weeping.  
_You're right, the rhyming scheme is absolutely terrible.  
_Zagreus taking time apart  
Zagreus fears the hero heart  
Zagreus seeks the final part  
The reward that he is reaping

Zagreus sings when all is lost  
Zagreus takes all those he's crossed  
Zagreus wins and all is cost  
The hero's hearts he's keeping.  
**I suppose that verse might give those rather pesky humans a bad night's sleep. You know that one of them just stole my TCE?  
**_Good for them! Can I do the next verse?  
_Sure.  
_Zagreus seeks the hero's ship  
Zagreus needs the web to rip  
Zagreus sups time at a drip  
And life aside, he's sweeping.  
__**The rest of this doesn't have the same rhyming scheme, does it?  
**_No. But that's the main poem, anyway. Yes, I suppose it does sound terrible in English.  
**Yes, it's so much more mysterious and foreboding in Gallifreyan.  
**_But hardly anyone can actually understand Gallifreyan.  
_**Oh well. It sounds dangerous in Gallifreyan.  
**It's not actually a bad poem.  
_**Now that we've let past me recite poetry, how about we remove her from this conversation?  
**__Like you're planning to remove me from Gallifrey? It's probably a good idea to go anyway, the Doctor's untied himself and look how much space we used.  
_**Oh Dear. While it's very tempting to stay and laugh at his reaction, I believe that he is standing on a very high radio tower, just waiting for someone to push him off. If you will excuse me.  
**_Remind me never to get on his bad side.  
__**Don't worry. You already are.**_

* * *

**AN:** Sorry, I couldn't resist...  
The poem is from the Big Finish audios _Neverland _and _Zagreus. _I actually do like it, it's just that, well, I can't stop thinking that it wouldn't rhyme in Gallifreyan, but they had to, so... This happened. Don't you think it's weird that the poem for the Dark Tower in _The Five Doctors_ actually rhymes? It's not like Gallifreyan can be that similar to English...  
Anyway, I will return to the list tomorrow. I promise.


	74. All my fault

_11th Doctor is italics_  
Clara Oswald is normal text  
_**River Song is bold italics**_

* * *

_Why did Amy have to let the angel take her? She could have come with us, Rory would have survived! She didn't have to go join him._  
**_Yes, she did. If anything showed how much she loved him, that did. That wasn't a choice._**  
_You supported her! She shouldn't have done it, but you told her to go! Why?!_  
**_Because she had to. You know that as well as I do._**  
_There must have been another way. I can't believe that she's gone too. Everyone who comes with me… Rose stuck in a parallel universe, Martha with half her life ruined, Donna with no memory of when she was the most important woman in the universe, and now Amy stuck in the past._  
It's not your fault! We all know the dangers, and none of us would miss this for the world.  
_She still shouldn't have died!_  
_**Everybody knows that everybody dies, sweetie. Nobody knows it better than you. Everyone has to die eventually, would you really prefer she ended up like Jack?**_  
_That's my fault too. I don't think I can do this anymore. I'm retiring._  
Doctor-  
_**No, whoever you are. That's it. I'm retired.**_

* * *

**AN**: Thanks to everyone who told me that there was something wrong with this chapter. It was unintentional. It's fixed now.  
Argh, thanks to Ashwood's Flame for pointing out that there were still no italics or anything. Third time lucky, maybe?

Thanks to Dave the Psychotic Chipmunk for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	75. How to Annoy Companions: For Dummies

Tegan Jovanka is normal text  
**Vislor Turlough is bold  
**_Ace is italics  
__**Barbara Wright is bold italics  
**_**Ian Chesterton is underlined bold  
**Martha Jones is underlined

* * *

_Why does the Doctor have to be so manipulative?  
_Manipulative? He just doesn't react. It's like he doesn't care.  
**Yes, it would have been nice if he at least acknowledged what I was doing.  
**What, trying to kill him?  
_**I don't know what you're talking about, he's just a grumpy old man.  
**_**Who kidnapped us. We were worried about a student, and suddenly we're on another planet.  
**Lucky. I was taken to the moon before I even met him. But he hardly even notices me, anyway. I know I'm living in someone else's shadow, but it would be nice if he realised that I'm actually someone else!  
**He could have told me that he knew what I was doing, and that he had a plan to help! Instead, he left me thinking that I had no choice but to kill him, and then when I refused Enlightenment- I still regret that, by the way- he just smiled and acted like he'd known all along.  
**_Probably because he had. He knew all along that I was nothing more than one of Fenric's Wolves, and he saw what Fenric was doing, but he didn't even act. He just used me.  
_I don't see what Turlough's complaining about. You actually have a reason, Turlough was trying to kill him the entire time. No wonder he was manipulative.  
He still didn't care, though, and I think we need to tell him that he should.  
_**His morals are somewhat dubious, yes. He didn't care who died on Skaro, only that he found out what was going on.  
**_Maybe that would make him realise that I'm not going to let him pretend I'm someone else any longer.  
** 10th Doctor: That would be nice, yes.  
**Oh, what did he do to you?  
** 10th Doctor: Just… Stuff. You know, things to hate him for.  
**_He does tend to do that.  
_ **10th Doctor: You guys really do hate me, don't you?  
**Wait. What? Is that…  
** 10th Doctor: Tegan, if this is about Adric, there was nothing I could do. Ace, I'm sorry, but I thought I explained- the only way to beat Fenric was to let the haemovore get to him, and that ment breaking your faith in me. Turlough, you were talking to the Black Guardian every ten minutes, there's no way I could have said anything to you without him finding out. Ian, Barbara, that was a mistake. I really did mean to drop you straight back. Martha… I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.  
**Maybe if I hadn't heard you say all that before, then I'd believe it. I don't think I can stay any longer.  
_Me neither. Or, at least, I need some time on my own. Anywhere. Just away.  
_Well, I'm staying. I don't think he would have said all of that where others could find it unless he really needed to.  
**I don't think we have much choice, not unless we want to stay on another planet. It doesn't look like we're going back anytime** soon.  
**10th Doctor: Sorry about that. But thanks.**

* * *

**AN: **Okay, the chapter from yesterday should be fixed now... Sorry about that.  
Sorry if a lot of the chapters have been sadder recently, I'll get back to humour soon. I promise.  
Thanks to kookiesnkream for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	76. Stealing a scarf, and yet another fez

_1st Doctor is italics  
_4th Doctor is normal text  
**11th Doctor is bold  
**_**River Song is bold italics**_

* * *

_Why did someone just come up to me and say 'hello sweetie', before muttering something about parallel time streams and running off when she heard Susan?  
_**RIVER! What have I told you about encountering past versions of me?  
**_**Well, you did sonic my vortex manipulator and then I misjudged. I was aiming for the 4th you. The one with the long scarf.  
**_What did you want me for?  
_**I wanted to steal your scarf and use it to tie future you to the TARDIS console.  
**_**And why do you want to tie me to the TARDIS console?  
**_**Because I want to see your reaction.  
**_Argh! Get off my scarf! Do you want a jelly baby? Take it and go!  
_**What are you going to do, climb through a ventilation shaft at me?  
**__That's quite enough, young lady! Kindly leave me alone!  
__**Oh, you really were a grumpy old man, weren't you?  
**_**Don't judge me, okay? I wasn't always cool enough for a fez.  
**_**Sweetie, it's not possible to be cool and wear a fez. They're two contradictory statements.  
**_**You really don't like the fez, do you?  
...**_**And in what time do you call this? I think I need to steal this one, too, just to teach you a lesson.  
**__You will not achieve anything if you encourage her.  
_Quite right, I say. You'd do far better to tell her she's hopeless, then she'd get REALLY good.  
**Stop talking now. Sarcasm doesn't suit you.  
**_**It never has. And it never will.  
Oops. Spoilers.**_

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to the guest that suggested this one. R&amp;R!


	77. No, I did!

_Italics is Tegan Jovanka  
Italics is also Tegan Jovanka  
_5th Doctor is normal text

* * *

_Anyone able to help me find Turlough?  
Yeah, I sent him to his room and told him to organise it, but he's run off.  
You sent him there? I sent him there!  
Oh yeah? I definitely recall showing him to Adric's old bedroom, who are you?  
I just sent him to Adric's bedroom, and now there's some kind of energy drain on the TARDIS and we need to find him!  
That's exactly what's happening! Who are you, and how do you know what I've been doing?  
Me? You're the one that mentioned the energy drain! Are you the one behind that?  
The energy drain is happening, and Nyssa's trapped. You let her out or else!  
_Tegan, you do realise that you're threatening yourself, don't you?  
_What? That's not me, I can't be talking to myself!  
No way! I would never be that quick to judge someone.  
_Well, since you seem to have decided that Turlough is the one responsible for everything, why don't you just come along to the console room and hope that the TARDIS is clever enough not to keep both streams. I don't think I could survive two of you.

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to GingerTyPerior for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	78. Hello, Sexy

_**River Song is bold italics  
**_9th Doctor is normal text

* * *

I still don't believe this. There is someone on here who is trying to flirt with me! What are they trying to achieve?  
_**You clearly haven't picked up Jack yet.  
**_There you are. What, exactly, are you trying to do? I will not stand for this kind of behaviour!  
_**You sound like an angry teacher. Is this what Jack had to contend with? I'm surprised you even let him stay at all.  
**_Who is 'Jack' anyway? Your boyfriend?  
_**I'll forgive you for that one, because I had to erase your memories of me. Timey-wimey stuff, as current you puts it.  
**_What's so bad about that?  
_**Spoilers.  
**_Are you trying to flirt with me?  
_**Sweetie, it's adorable when you get all grumpy like that because you don't even know who I am.  
**_What?  
_**Oh, now you sound like the next you. All you have to do is say 'sorry' a lot, eat bananas, and yell Allons-y! and you'll imitate him perfectly.  
**_I will not allow you to insult me like this! Even if the future me does those things, I do not. So kindly leave me alone.  
_**Of course.  
**_That was far too easy.  
_**Yes, it was.  
**_NO FLIRTING ON MY TARDIS!  
_**Never! I wouldn't want to upset Sexy.**_

_**Are you really speechless? You really thought I wouldn't know that you call her sexy?**_

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Cati Jones for suggesting this one. I wrote it yesterday, but for some reason my computer wouldn't log onto fanfiction... R&amp;R!


	79. One Big Happy Family

_1st Doctor is italics  
_Susan Foreman is normal text  
**10th Doctor is bold  
**_Jenny (the Doctor's Daughter) is underlined italics  
__**River Song is bold italics**_

* * *

Grandfather? Do you have any family, other than me?  
**Susan! Hello! Yes, I've got a daughter. I think she's alive. I hope she's alive.  
**_Hi dad!  
_**Yay! She is alive. That's good. I wonder how she got on here, anyway.  
**_**I'm surprised you even need to ask.  
**__Who wold that be? Another long-lost family member?  
__**Are you psychic, or something?  
**_Are you Doctor Song? I mean, I just met you. But when I called for Grandfather, you ran off.  
**River Song, what exactly are you doing running away from a past me?  
**_**Spoilers…You're not quite ready for that conversation yet...  
**__So, dad, now that I'm on here, what are you going to do with me?  
_**Can I ask you how you survived?  
**_**She regenerated. My scanners picked up on the energy signal. I thought it was you, but then it wasn't. I'm not the only part time-lady on here anymore...  
**__Why would you think it was me, and not someone else? I'm not the only renegade, you know!  
_**Spoilers.  
**_Oh, not you, too. She refuses to tell me ANYTHING. And she won't let me meet you, anyway. I know it would damage the time streams, but I'm sure the TARDIS could hold the paradox.  
_**Let me see her!  
**_**I'm afraid you can't, sweetie. Not yet. We should go now anyway, come along, Jenny. There's an interesting archaeological dig on Manussa.  
**__Oh, not another one!  
__**Yes, another one. Do you remember Benny? She sent me a message saying there was something interesting there.  
**__Oh, all right. But only because I want to see Benny. Did you hear that she's a professor now? Professor Bernice Summerfield!  
__**From my perspective, she's been a professor for a while now. Let's go.  
**_**I wonder what they'll think when they find out that it's a past version of me.  
**_A future version of me? On Manussa? What am I doing there?  
_Why is it so strange, being on Manussa?  
_Let's go there, I can show you.  
_Coming, Grandfather. See you sometime, future Grandfather!

* * *

**AN:** Ok, that is canon, now. (I'm referring to River Song bringing Jenny onto the TARDIS, and raising her like a daughter. And both of them meeting Benny, because Benny deserves to appear in way more fanfics.)  
Thanks to Songbirdgirl for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	80. The Time Lords are dead!

_**River Song is italics  
**__Rose Tyler is italics  
_Romana II is normal text

* * *

_I wonder why the Doctor held such a grudge against the Time Lords.  
_He did run away from Gallifrey and become a renegade, but his hatred seemed directed mostly at the politicians, not the rest of us.  
_**Yes, he really did hate the president, even though he did become president at one stage.  
**__Wait? Are you two Time Lords?  
_I'm Romanadvoratrelundar, a Time Lady. I don't know who the other person is.  
_**I'm half time lady, half human. It's complicated.  
**__He said all the time lords were dead!  
__**Don't say that in front of Romana, she can't know about that yet!  
**_How can you be half human? That isn't supposed to be possible.  
_**The Doctor thought he was half-human for a while. But that might have been post-regeneration amnesia. I don't know. I can't remember.  
**__Wait, can she not see the other sentences?  
__**Nope. The TARDIS is clever like that.  
**_So how are you half-human, half-Gallifreyan?  
_**Oh, I'm not Gallifreyan. I was conceived on the TARDIS.  
**__He actually let that happen?  
_I don't really think I want to know…  
_She really can't see those other sentences, can she? Will she ever be able to?  
__**Yes. After she becomes president and regenerates and they start fighting the Last Great Time War, I think the TARDIS will let her see this.  
**__Why? So that she knows she's going to die?  
__**So that she can get out. But she never would. Romana would never abandon Gallifrey in those circumstances. Well, not again.  
**__I'm not going to ask what you mean by that._

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to clarasglassballoon for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	81. Captain Jack Harkness

**Captain Jack Harkness is bold  
Captain Jack Harkness is also bold**

* * *

**Hey, I'm going out for a drink tonight… Anyone want to have some fun?  
Why not? Which planet?  
There's this great bar on the edge of the Andromedan Galaxy. One of those ones that cater for every type. It's got a great market in second-hand weapons, too, if you're interested in that kind of thing.  
Huh, that's just where I was thinking of. The place where you can buy anything, as long as you kill the previous owner. Shall we? I could use a spare set of batteries in my vortex manipulator.  
Me too! What's your name, by the way?  
Captain Jack Harkness. A pleasure to meet you.  
Oh Dear.  
John? Is that you? How did you get on here?  
You actually think I'm as bad as our ex-partner?  
OUR ex-partner? How many did he have?  
Hundreds, probably.  
So who are you, then?  
Captain Jack Harkness. And I believe this MUST be causing a paradox.  
Yes, it must… What do we do if there are reapers?  
Well, we don't kiss them.  
No. Don't turn your back on it, and don't kiss it. And don't let it kiss you.  
Could be deadly. Not that that's much of a problem for us.  
No, it really isn't. But I'd prefer to avoid not existing.  
Agreed. So we should probably stop talking now.  
But you're the first vaguely uncivilised conversation I've had in years.  
I know, isn't this century depressing? Just go find River Song, she'll satisfy you for a while.  
Thanks, me. I'll remember that. Won't be seeing you around anytime soon, Captain.  
Likewise.**

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to GingerTyPerior for suggesting this one. Actually, I've already done it (Chapter 77) and then GingerTyPerior asked for a modern version of it, so... R&amp;R!


	82. Engine Room

_Clara Oswald is italics  
_**The Master is bold  
**10th Doctor is normal text

* * *

_As nice as these conversations are, is there a way out?  
_**Of course there is. Want me to show you, Clara?  
**_Doctor! Yes, please. The TARDIS has trapped me in here for almost an hour now.  
_**That wasn't very nice of her. I better show you how to get out.  
**_Yes, please… Why are you being very, very nice? You didn't seem to care before!  
_**Didn't I? Oh, that must be a future me who knows you got out. If you go down to the end corridor, and turn left, there's a door labelled 'engine room' and it's a bit noisy, but you'll be in the console room in less than a minute.  
**_Doctor, there is a door there labelled 'engine room' but it's not attached to anything! How many times do we have to tell you, that room is full of spare doors!  
_NO CLARA! Don't go into that room!  
_Why not? And who are you?  
_The engine room is full of time rotors. If a human walks in there, they'll be torn to pieces in minutes. Oh, Master, I would have expected something slightly more creative from you.  
**Well, it was worth a try.  
**No, it really wasn't.  
**She can't be in here, anyway. She's definitely one of your humans, and the human race is under my control!  
**Oh, that's where you're up to. Be a nice civilised adult and leave Jack alone today, will you?  
**Where's the fun in that? If I want to kill the freak, I'll kill the freak!  
**_You sound like an over-privileged child when you say that.  
_Thank you Clara, that summarises him perfectly.  
**I'm going to go and sulk now. Jack's getting boring, anyway. I really need to find someone else to use as target practise… Someone who still tries to run.  
**_You do that._

* * *

**AN: **Thanks to BlueFlame27 for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	83. Temporal displacement and chess

**The K9 with the 4th Doctor and Sarah Jane Smith is bold  
**The K9 with the 4th Doctor and Romana is normal text

* * *

Calculating temporal displacement…  
**Probability of displacement in excess of 2.46% calculated to be 68%  
**Negative. Current temporal displacement at 0.042% due to mistress controlling ship. Probability of temporal displacement in excess of 0.5% currently at 12.3% and falling.  
**Danger! Temporal displacement currently at 2.5%!  
**Information incorrect, temporal displacement at 0.012%. Sensors indicate will drop to 0.001% in under two earth minutes.  
**Temporal displacement causing rupture in space-time continuum allowing communication with different units.  
**Affirmative. Checkmate predicted for 4 moves.  
**Negative. Checkmate predicted in 6 moves if queen moved to E6.  
**Affirmative. Black victory ensured within 8 moves.  
**Negative. White concedes.  
**Requesting data.  
**Data transfer in progress.  
Data transfer complete.  
**Data received. Temporal displacement dropping, predict communication failure in 30 earth seconds.  
**Affirmative. Arriving at unknown destination. I will remain with the mistress.**

* * *

**AN:** Well, that was normal.

Yes, K9 just beat himself at chess, and received data from himself as a reward. What else is a robotic dog supposed to do?  
Thanks to oochya for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	84. Who was the scariest?

The number in front of the line is the doctor writing it.

* * *

_10: The weeping angels are scary… I hope I never meet them again.  
__**11: Sorry...But compared to the Order of the Silence, they're practically cuddly.  
**__10: Not possible. No one would LIVE if they 'cuddled' a weeping angel, you idiot.  
1: Excuse me, young man! Are you saying that there is someone more dangerous, and terrifying, than the daleks?  
__**2: Well, at least it wasn't them that finished you off! The cybermen, now, they should count for something.  
**_3: I'm not surprised you think that, you useless, recorder-playing intergalactic hobo! Anything that forced someone to become you would be horrible. The Master, for his part, certainly plays the dramatic flair quite well.  
**7: None of you have met Fenric yet, he's far ahead than most of these people. Just ask Ace.  
**_8: I'm sure she would say you, not Fenric. And I'd prefer to face the Master possessed by Fenric than encounter Zagreus again.  
_**9: Of course you would say that, you're the one with memory loss.  
**War: Speaking from experience, there is nothing more terrifying than the fury and anger than a Time Lord.  
_10: Yes, well… Rassilon could count…  
8: Rassilon's not that bad! Seriously, what is it about future me and Time Lords?  
_**9: Be glad you don't know yet. The Daleks aren't scary anymore because they're dead. Autons aren't that scary, but they deserve a mention on here, at least.  
**5: I would have thought that the Black Guardian would have already appeared on here.  
**4: Yes, well I was about to say that. But he's not that scary, just powerful. I still say the Master wins.  
**6: I'm with future me, the Time Lords.  
**7: Just because they put you on trial. And I was both prosecutor and defendant! Surely there are rules against that.  
**3: Yes, there must. Do I forget that? Is that the previous me?  
_**2: Oh, thank you very much. Do you really think that I would break the laws of time like that?  
**_6: Well, you just did, contacting me. If you had gotten in trouble doing that then I would never have forgiven himself.  
_**11: Do stop switching personal pronouns, I'm being very confusing.  
As the oldest here, I think I have the authority here.  
**__8: I don't exactly agree, but go on.  
__**11: The Time Lords, the Daleks, Weeping Angels, the Master and the Vashta Nerada all tie for first.  
**_6: Trying to be the peacekeeper, are you?  
_10: Let's just go before he starts talking about hats.  
_War: Yes. Let's.

* * *

**AN: **Thanks to The Wild West Pyro for suggesting this one. They suggested another, but I don't know if I can actually post it here for a number of reasons that include actually following what is going on and keeping this story as readable by slightly younger readers...

R&amp;R!


	85. Gallifrey Stands

The number in front shows the Doctor writing it.

* * *

_10: Ok everyone, are you listening? I need everyone to fly to Gallifrey at the moment the Last Great Time War ends. Then we're going to use a stasis cube to freeze Gallifrey in a moment of time.  
__**11: When this is over, the timelines are going to be out of sync, you aren't going to remember doing this until you're doing it again. Everyone ready?  
**_War: Please help. I know you don't approve of me, and what I've done. But the other option is burning, and I don't want that. If you really are the Doctor, then help.  
**9: Alright. Me and Rose are ready. Does this mean we're saving Gallifrey?  
**10: _We're trying. You can't remember it, though. But we aren't going to let it burn.  
__**2: I'm contacting Gallifrey High Council right now. Ready when you are.  
**__1: I'm coming, I'm coming. Is this all of us?  
_5: No, there should be quite a few more.  
_8: I have to fight in this war, thinking that Gallifrey will be destroyed? Why?  
__**11: Time is unsteady enough, we can't risk it. But it will be safe. How many more to come?  
**_7: Well, go on ahead without me if you're so desperate to start.  
**4: Anyone want a jelly baby while we wait?  
**_3: Am I the last one?  
__**2: You would appear to be so. Why am I not surprised?  
**_**6: Do leave me alone, it's not productive and we have a planet to save, do we not?  
**_**12: Let's do this.  
**__10: Allons-y!  
__**11: Geronimo!  
**__3: Well, they seem to be having fun._

War: Gallifrey Stands, everyone! Gallifrey Stands!

* * *

**AN: **Thanks to Dede42 for suggesting this one, which I can't believe has taken this long for anyone (including me) to think of. R&amp;R!


	86. Tin Dog

_**Rory Williams is bold italics  
**_**Mickey Smith is bold  
**_10th Doctor is italics_

* * *

**I can't believe this! I'm the tin dog!  
**_**What do you mean, the tin dog?  
**_**There are three of us, right- The Doctor, Rose and me. And we just met this woman called Sarah Jane who used to travel with the Doctor, and she had a tin dog called K9. I asked about it, and she said that the Doctor travels with all kinds, humans and aliens, and sometimes, tin dogs. And that's me! I'm the one on the edge!  
**_**That's me, too… The Doctor, and Amy, and then, me, Amy's boyfriend, forgotten when the Doctor arrives in his magic box and flies off into the stars.  
**_**Exactly what happened to me. I wonder what would happen if we made a table… Doctor, the wanted companion, and the tin dog.  
**_**Shall we? There's a room full of security cameras around here somewhere. We could start a list, so that everyone realises just how unfair this is.  
**_**Good idea.  
**_**Wait, the dog was called K9?  
**_**I know.  
Here's what I've found so far.**

**Doctor-****Companion-****Tin dog**

**3? 4?-****Sarah Jane-****K9**

**10?-****Rose-****Mickey**

**11?-****Amy-****Rory**

_**5?-**__**Nyssa/Tegan-**__**Adric**_

_**5?-**__**Nyssa/Tegan-**__**Turlough**_

_**4?-**__**Sarah Jane-**__**Harry**_

_**2?-**__**Jamie-**__**Victoria**_

_**I've added some more of mine. Can we stop putting question marks next to the numbers?  
**_**I guess so. Isn't it funny that there's only one man in the companion column, and all but two of the tin dogs are male? And one's even a tin dog.  
**_I'll have you know that K9 was one of my best friends!  
__**One of your best friends was a metal dog. Right.  
**_**Can you at least try to pay a bit more attention to us?  
**_Mickey, what makes you think I don't pay attention to you?  
_**You left me holding down a button for half an hour! It only needed to be pressed for a few minutes, you and Rose forgot about me!  
**_We were distracted, that's all.  
_**Yeah. I'm sure. Why do I even bother?  
**_Mickey-  
_**No. I'm staying here. Where people actually care if I die or not. Rory, I recommend you do the same.**

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to GriffinGirl8655 for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	87. The Universe is Cracked

_Amy Pond is italics  
_**11th Doctor is bold**

* * *

_How did that get there? Why is the crack that was on my bedroom wall now on the TARDIS?  
Can someone please answer me? What is it, and why do I keep seeing it everywhere?  
_**It's a crack in the fabric of space and time, and it really shouldn't be here.  
**_Is it dangerous?  
_**I don't know. Do you remember what Prisoner Zero said?  
**_The universe is cracked. The Pandorica will open. Silence will fall.  
_**Yes. That. I think the Crack and the Silence are related.  
**_Why?  
_**Venice. When we left, there was nothing. Just silence. No one in the market.  
**_So the crack is…eating people? Should I keep away from it?  
_**Probably. I need to find a way to close it. Just… don't touch it, okay?**

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to BlueFlame27 for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	88. Plasma Grenades

Madame Vastra is normal text  
_Jenny Flint is italics  
_**Strax is bold**

* * *

**The Doctor ordered me to request that you deliver some plasma grenades.  
**_Strax, I really doubt that the Doctor would request weapons. You just want us to give you weapons, don't you?  
_**It is an insult to the Great Sontaran Empire for you to forbid me from carrying weapons!  
**You are armed, you've got two arms, I haven't eaten them yet… Not that I'd want to, they'd be far chewier than Jack the Ripper, with all the wrestling that you do.  
_I don't understand why you need weapons, anyway. What you need is a horse that knows its way around well enough without you.  
_**The horse failed in its mission! It needs to be killed for its incompetence! I suggest a firing squad armed with standard-issue semi-automatic stasers.  
**You know, coming from a race that consists of identical potatoes, he's doing a surprisingly good job of trying to make us give him weapons.  
_I thought that most people would only get that way when they weren't given sweets.  
_For Strax, weapons are like sweets.  
**You are insulting me, boy, and by extension the Sontaran Empire! You will not live for that!  
**_Um...Is there anything on here he could use as a weapon?  
_Even if there was, I doubt that the TARDIS would let him find it. However, he is a Sontaran, and I do not doubt that he could cause a fair amount of damage with his hands.  
_So, basically...Run?  
_Basically, yes.

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Dede42 for suggesting this one. My list of suggestions is getting long again, sorry if it takes my a while to get to yours. R&amp;R!


	89. The Lost People

_Captain Adelaide Brooke is italics  
_Jackson Lake is normal text  
**Donna Noble is bold  
**_**Lady Christina de Souza is bold italics  
**__10th Doctor is underlined italics_

* * *

_The Doctor certainly is full of himself… Somehow he thinks that the laws of time will respond to him. I don't want to know what's going to change because he saved my life.  
_**He certainly is! Kidnapping me on my wedding day as I walk up the aisle!  
**He is a good person! I thought I was him, and he's brave, but it's all to hide his past.  
_**How did that happen? He's quite a person, this Lord Doctor.  
**_It's complicated.…Infostamp and cybermen. But I have my son back now, that's all that matters.  
_I don't want to know what will happen because he changed time! Why does anyone trust him?  
__**He got me out of prison, that's all I care about.  
**__What? Who's talking here? Captain Adelaide Brooke, Jackson Lake, Donna Noble and-  
Lady Christina de Souza, how on Gallifrey did you get in here?  
__**You're slow, aren't you? I'm a thief. I can get into anything, given enough time.  
**_Well, I think you can't be all bad if the Doctor let you on here, my lady.  
_I didn't let her on here, I don't know how she got here! Captain Brooke, don't you dare do what I know you're planning to do, I didn't save your life for nothing. Jackson Lake, take care of your son, he'll grow up to be a great man. Donna Noble, I'll see you again and please don't feed me to the Racnoss. Christina… Get off of the TARDIS before I find you.  
__You're certain nothing will happen because you changed time?  
__Why would it? I know what I'm doing.  
__All right...  
_**Why are you so certain, space man? And who's the Racnoss?  
**_Uh.…Sorry. Spoilers.  
__**This is just insulting. Did you really think you'd be able to find me before I get off?  
**__I don't want to take any chances.  
Is everyone sorted now?  
__You're not the only one who can lie, Doctor.  
__NO! CAPTAIN ADELAIDE BROOKE, DON'T YOU DARE!  
__Goodbye, Doctor. Timelord Victorious. Look at that… I win.  
__NO!_

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Ashwood's Flame for suggesting this one. R&amp;R! Oh, but no more ideas for a while please... I have 14 on hold right now...


	90. Together Forever

_**River Song is bold italics  
**__Rose Tyler is italics  
_**The TARDIS is bold**

* * *

_The Doctor asked me how long I'm going to stay with him… Forever. What else can I do, after this?  
_**I think I beat you on that one.  
**_**Me too. I've married him.  
**_**Only because there are rules against him marrying me. He calls me Sexy.  
**_**He calls me sweetie. And he's saved my life more times than you can count.  
**_**He trusted me with the fate of the universe.  
**_**Me too. Let's just say we're equal.  
**__What do you mean, he married you?  
__**Well, it was a quite unique ceremony.  
**_**That happened in a timeline that no longer exists.  
**_**It's the thought that counts.  
**_**Definitely, since no one else can remember it. And he only did it so that you would know he wasn't dead.  
**_**He could have just told me. He didn't. He married me.  
**__Who are you, anyway? I don't think the Doctor's cheating on me!  
__**Oh, he isn't. He hasn't met me yet. Well, he has, but I wiped his memory. I had to so that the time streams wouldn't collapse, they're unstable enough as it is.  
**_**He's not cheating on you, he's cheating on me. I've known him longest.  
**_You still haven't told me who you are!  
__**You're Rose, the blonde one. One of the blonde ones. He really did care for you, but I really doubt you've got what Martha had. As much as he wishes you could have stayed, I don't think you'd be able to survive that year.  
**__What do you mean? I'm staying with him forever!  
_**This is why I don't tell them anything.  
**_You still haven't told me who you are!  
__**What's the most confusing response we can give?  
**_**BAD WOLF  
**_**Yep, that works.**_

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to GingerTyPerior for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	91. Plastic Men

Mickey Smith is normal text  
_Rory Williams is italics_

* * *

Rory? You still here? It seems we have a lot in common.  
_Really? Apart from our girlfriends/wives preferring the Doctor?  
_Yeah. You've met the autons, right?  
_I AM an auton. Kind of. I don't know anymore. I existed, and then I didn't, and then I existed but I was a Roman soldier that was actually an auton, and then I shot my wife, and then she wasn't dead and I guarded the Pandorica for 2000 years, and then the universe ended. And then I was real again.  
_Right...  
Yeah, well, they made a copy of me to try and get Rose to tell her where the Doctor was. I was attacked by a rubbish bin.  
_That's a new one. I've been attacked by domes with whisks and sink plungers, men made of metal, Handbots, creatures you quite literally can't remember and monks with no heads, but I've never been attacked by a rubbish bin.  
_Thank you. I'll take that as a compliment.  
Yes, well, both of us had our girlfriend/wife run away to travel with the Doctor, and been turned into plastic men or copied by them. Anything else that's similar between us?  
_I always get the job of explaining who we are to people. And Amy MIGHT have married King Henry VIII. Apparently, someone asked her something and she said yes.  
_Please tell me Rose hasn't married a French aristocrat or something.  
_For your sake, I hope not.  
_Oh wait, it's the Doctor that's fallen in love with one. All good.  
_She doesn't have frizzy blonde hair and call herself River Song, by any chance?  
_Noo...She's Madame de Pompadour.  
_Right. I think I'll leave you to it. Good luck with Rose.  
_Thanks. I think I'm getting somewhere, she's agreed to let me travel in the TARDIS now.  
_Good work! See you round.  
_Not literally. But see ya, Rory.

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to MysteryGal5 for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	92. The Lost City of Atlantis

_Romana I is italics  
_4th Doctor is normal text  
**Sarah Jane Smith is bold**

* * *

_Doctor! Why on Gallifrey is there a city called Atlantis on here?  
_Oh, yes. That. Where was it?  
_Just beyond the engine room.  
_Ah! That's where I put it!  
**What do you mean, Doctor? You 'put' Atlantis on the TARDIS?  
**Yes, well, I always intended to find out why it disappeared, but things were in a bit of a rush-  
_They always are.  
_Yes, well, I realised the only way to escape was to bring Atlantis onto the TARDIS. Don't worry, they're all under strict orders not to leave the city.  
_So can we return it now?  
_**I don't think so. It's the lost city of Atlantis, people are puzzling over its disappearance for centuries. What would they do if it suddenly appeared?  
**Very good point, Sarah. You see, Romana, it's not that simple. Me taking Atlantis onto the TARDIS is now a fixed point in time, and we can't just return it.  
_So what are we going to do about this medium sized, level 2 city full of people inhabiting your TARDIS?  
_I have a feeling that you aren't going to let me leave them there.  
**Of course not! They didn't sign up for a life of travelling through other planets… Do they even know there is such a thing as another planet? We can't keep them here.  
**_And we can't return them to where they're supposed to be, so…  
_Oh, stop worrying, you two. I'll just drop them off on an uninhabited planet, they can make a living for themselves there.  
_And that won't disrupt the time streams, the apparent survival of thousands of people?  
_I do know what I'm doing, Romana!  
_Do you? I hear you failed temporal theory the first time you took it.  
_Only because I didn't want to get a job on the council! I want to actually do something useful with my life. I am NOT going into law!  
**I'll just leave you two at it…**

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to oochya for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	93. Someone who's life I haven't ruined

Mickey Smith is normal text  
_**11th Doctor is bold italics**_

* * *

_**I wonder how Martha's getting on… I also wonder if there's anyone who's life I haven't destroyed completely.  
**_Martha's good, thanks. And she doesn't blame you for anything.  
_**She should! I destroyed half her life!  
**_She doesn't! And why do you care so much, anyway?  
_**Mickey,  
**_No, I get it. I'm the tin dog. Doesn't matter. Martha's the important one. And Rose.  
_**Do you think I did the right thing?  
**_With Rose? She's safe, and she's with you… kind of. Seriously, I don't think you could have done anything better.  
_**I ruined their lives. I ruined your life, too. I don't understand why I keep doing it, taking on humans, when I know that one day they're going to die or their world will die and they'll leave.  
**_Rose wouldn't have missed this for the world. Neither would Martha, or me.  
_**What am I supposed to do, though? I don't want any more to die. I don't want anyone else's life to be ruined. Even River, who I though was an equal… What did they do to her? What did I do to her?  
**_I don't know who River is, but I'm sure she would rather die than miss this.  
_**SHE DID. She died to save me, the first time we met. Each time we meet, I know more about her and she knows less about me. Why can't I just get something right, for once?  
**_Whoa! Calm down! Go.. Oh, I don't know. Lock Hitler in a cupboard or something.  
_**Are you psychic, Mickey Smith? That's what we just did!  
**_.…I'm not even going to ask.

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to the guest that suggested this one. R&amp;R!


	94. Still Stuck

_Clara Oswald is italics  
__**The TARDIS is bold italics  
**_**11th Doctor is bold**

* * *

_I still don't know why I'm stuck here!  
__**Information required?  
**__Yes! Who are you, anyway?  
__**Spoilers. He doesn't want me to talk to you.  
**__River Song? Why doesn't the Doctor want me to talk with you?  
__**Jealous? Worried what tricks we could play on him?  
**__Not like I could actually do anything, while this stupid ship keeps me here!  
__**Jealousy? Yes. Insults: common sign of jealousy.  
**__What?  
_**That's not River you're talking to, that's the TARDIS. And you're probably going to be stuck here for another hour for insulting her like that.  
**_Why does this always happen to me?_

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to the guest that suggested this one. I now have 16 ideas waiting, so please don't send me any more for a few days! R&amp;R!


	95. Fashion Sense

The number of the speaker is in front of the text.

* * *

_**11: Bow ties are cool!  
**__2: Yes, they most certainly are! Finally, someone else who shares my view.  
_10: Since when were bow ties cool?  
_**11: Oh yes, Sandshoes, they're far too cool for you.  
**_10: They are not sandshoes!  
**War: Yes, they are.  
**10: At least I didn't spend the first 10 minutes after I regenerated going on about shoes.  
_**3: That is an exaggeration! I was simply conveying the necessity of finding my shoes!  
**_**8: And they fit perfectly!  
**5: I'm sure they do. But making sure that you are who you think you are is far more important.  
**8: Well, I suppose…  
**_**3: You're only saying that because that's what you did!  
**_**6: Yes, at least I didn't decide to wear a vegetable.  
**_**7: That coat… What was I thinking?  
**_**6: Excuse me? That coat had a perception filter that made it beautiful to many aliens!  
**10: Yeah, right.  
_**11: Can we get back to worshipping bow ties instead of insulting my fashion choices?  
**__2: Definitely. I would do anything to get away from these bumbling fools!  
__**3: I think you're the bumbling fool here, my dear old chap.  
**__2: Excuse me, but if there is an incompetent one here, it would be you!  
__**11: BOW TIES! They are awesome!  
**_**6: IF YOU DO NOT SHUT UP ABOUT BOW TIES THEN I WILL DESTROY EVERY SINGLE ONE ON THE TARDIS!  
**_**3: Well said!  
**_10: As much as I hate agreeing with him, I have to.  
_1: Could you stop arguing for just a moment and tell me what this conversation has achieved?  
__**2: We've...er… analysed the situation.  
**__1: I'm sure you have! Now, don't you have something productive to do?  
__**3: Sorry.**_

10: I still don't know why we listened to him.  
_**11: No. Me neither. He's younger than us!  
**_**9: And, I daresay, has a far better fashion sense than most.  
**10: Oh, not again…

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to The Wild West Pyro and BlueFlame27 who suggested completely different ideas that combined into this one. R&amp;R!


	96. I am you

11th Doctor is normal text  
**Dream Lord is bold**

* * *

Come out, I know you're here…  
**And who would you be talking to?  
**There you are. You do know that I know exactly who you are, don't you?  
**How do you expect to be able to work out that?  
**There is only one person who hates me as much as you do.  
Me.  
**Well, I don't know… Rassilon does a reasonable job…  
**And he's dead.  
**The daleks are nothing but balls of hate, you never know…  
**And you're humanoid. And you wear a bow tie, which is a trait that isn't very common.  
**Well, now that we've established who I am, is there anything you want to say?  
**Yes. How are you doing this?  
**Why, Doctor, you know I can't tell you that.  
**I already know that neither version of events was real! Why can't you just tell me?  
**Well, even if you did know, you wouldn't tell Amy, would you? It's my job to be manipulative, and isn't that what you fear? After Ace, you don't want to break anyone's faith… What would you do, then, if I told you that you'll have to do the same with Amy? You fear becoming me, Doctor. But you're too late. I already am you, and I always was. There's nothing you can do about it!  
**Nice try, but I'm not that easy to upset.  
**Sorry, but you are. And I'm just telling the truth.  
**Rule one: The Doctor lies. I can only imagine you'd be worse.  
**So what are you going to do about it?  
**Bye. I'm destroying the TARDIS.  
**I'm not that easy to kill! You should be embarrassed, if you think someone could kill you that easily!**

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Dede42 for suggesting this one. Sorry if I wrote this wrong, it's been ages since I saw _Amy's Choice_. R&amp;R!


	97. Coal Hill School

Clara Oswald is normal text  
_**Ian Chesterton is bold italics  
**__Barbara Wright is italics_

* * *

Is it true that I'm not the first teacher from Coal Hill School on here?  
_**No, there's me and Barbara too. What century are you from?  
**_I'm in 2013. My name's Clara, by the way. I teach English.  
_I'm Barbara. I'm a History teacher, and I was last on Earth in 1963.  
__**I'm Ian, a Maths teacher, also from 1963. I never actually thought that I'd miss those classrooms, but flying across space and time makes an afternoon of 6th forms seem positively appealing.  
**_Hey, do you know why the window in the science room was replaced completely? The one overlooking the courtyard. The rest of them have had individual panes replaced, but they all seem to match the style of the building.  
_That's quite an odd thing to ask.  
__**I don't know. A spaceship probably crashed through it a month after we left, or something.  
**_...You did look that up, right?  
_**What? A spaceship did crash through it? Now you're just being ridiculous.  
**_November 1963, yeah… well, the spaceship landed in the courtyard and the engines blew the windows out, but… That was unexpected.  
_Well, anything else you want to ask us? The location of the missing library book on the French Revolution?  
_That was found in the science lab. No one ever really knew why.  
I should probably get going anyway, I have essays to mark. See you around.

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Touchedbyacrazyperson for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	98. A series of unfortunate, random, events

**Strax is bold  
**_**Madam Vastra is bold italics  
**__Jenny Flint is italics_

* * *

_STRAX! What did I tell you about punishing the horses? It's not their fault your carriage got lost! That's, what, a dozen dead horses? And aren't the locals going to question the lasers?  
__**I think that's several dozen, Jenny. The prison collapsed and the carriages on the scene were mysteriously caught in an explosion. And the professor escaped, too.  
**__Strax, that is the LAST time you are getting near any grenades.  
_**Madam, there appears to be a squadron of humans wrapped in bandages marching outside the house. Permission to reactivate lasers?  
**_**Dare I even ask what you set off inside of the Egyptian section of the museum?  
**__Wait, did you say the prison collapsed and the professor escaped? What are we going to do?  
__**Leave him to me. He is rather old, but I believe there is enough fat to make him palatable.  
**__Yes, Madam. But surely we have to do something about the prison.  
__**I am far more concerned about the runaway coaches. They are our fault also, it seems Strax has decided to punish all horses for the inability of one to navigate the city.  
**_**It is traditional that when a member of a squadron makes a mistake the entire unit is punished!  
**_Not on Earth, Strax. And if you can get rid of the mummies, I'll deal with the coaches. And maybe even the prison._

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to The Wild West Pyro for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	99. The Great Intelligence

_2nd Doctor is italics  
**11th Doctor is bold italics**_

* * *

_**Where's the second me? I think I need to remind myself of some information…**_  
_I'm here, my good fellow. What can I help you with?_  
**_The Great Intelligence. It's surfaced again, and I need to remember how it operates._**  
_Sorry, I haven't met that one yet. I'll come back when I know who you're talking about._  
**_Oh! Sorry about that._**  
_Don't worry, my dear chap, nothing to worry about._

_Ah. Him. It. Yes, very stealthy, isn't he?_  
**_What is it, exactly?_**  
_Well... I suppose the best way to describe it is as a formless, shapeless thing, floating out in space like a cloud of mist, only with a mind and will._  
**_Ah, yes, I remember saying that now. It's a mind parasite, desperate for a body. A hive mind, a mass of thoughts with a single thought. I suppose that explains how it's creating the snowmen, feeding off people's thoughts..._**  
_I don't know what the snowmen are, I'm afraid. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can be much help at all._  
**_Oh, it's quite all right. You've been tremendous. Well... Hopefully I won't see you around sometime. All of space and time should be big enough for both of us..._**  
_Did I just help him? The one with the coat?_  
**_No, I just decided to quote him... Anyways, best be off, people to see, planets to save, that sort of thing._**  
_Yes, but do be careful! I'll never forgive you if I end up hitting my head on the console and regenerating or something._  
**_Yeah..._**

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Dede42 for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	100. The good, the bad, and the ugly

The number of the speaker is in front of the text.

* * *

_8: Grace would have made a good companion… If only she'd accepted to travel with me.  
_**4: I don't know who Grace is, but I doubt she could beat Sarah Jane.  
**5: I must admit, I do miss Leela. It was quite useful having someone who always tried to stab things, even if all the violence did get us in a lot of trouble.  
_**7: Well, I've already told Ace so many times not to carry Nitro-9. And then she has to go and blow things up! It'll be the death of her.  
**__1: Susan was wonderful, I do regret leaving her behind.  
__**2: Not even Susan was as resourceful as Jamie!  
**_**6: I'm not arguing with you there. All of mine seem to have been quite good screamers, recently. They're good, but they scream. A lot.  
**10: You know, I think that's about as tactful as I got. And, I'm sorry, but Rose was a great companion. She shouldn't have had to leave!  
**11: Yes, and then you completely ignored Martha, the most practical one in years! Donna was great, too, I haven't had a better friend than her in a long time. But Amy's so loyal, I don't think there's anyone who can beat her.**

Clara felt vaguely annoyed to see the Doctor- HER Doctor- so attached to someone. She liked him. Not much! Just a little bit. But she wasn't the first to fall in love with him, and she only hoped that he wouldn't forget her. That, one day, her name would join this list.

**9: Rose is fantastic! Her boyfriend, Ricky… Well, there's a waste of humanity if there ever was one. But Rose…  
**_3: I don't think you can find a better example of humanity than the Brigadier. A bit trigger happy, yes. Stubborn, yes. But a good soul at heart.  
_**11: Well said! I suppose the Brig would count as the longest serving companion…  
**_**2: Why do I have to agree with him?  
**__3: Oh, do stop whining. Go play a jaunty little tune on that recorder of yours, there's a good boy.  
_**4: Do you two ever stop arguing? Just take a jelly baby each and accept each other's differences. It's getting quite ridiculous! **

* * *

**AN: **Thanks to Dave the Psychotic Chipmunk for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!

Woohoo! 100 chapters! I didn't think I'd get this far, to be honest. And I've still got 14 ideas in my list, everyone reading this is way too helpful. Thanks for reading, and I guess I'll see you at 200!


	101. The Maitland kids

**Artie Maitland is bold  
**_**Angie Maitland is bold italics  
**__Clara Oswald is italics_

* * *

_**The cybermen weren't really that scary! I don't know why so the Doctor was so scared at them.  
**_**Yeah, they were just a bit weird.  
**_**Oh, you were scared too. If you hadn't turned on the lights, then they never would have found you!  
**_**Well, if you hadn't wandered off then they wouldn't have known we were there!  
**_Artie? Angie? What on Earth are you two doing?!  
__**We aren't on Earth, stupid. We're nowhere.**_**  
**_What are you doing?  
__**We're writing. It's not like anyone's getting hurt.**_**  
I guess the cybermen were a bit creepy. And space was quite fun.**_**  
You're just trying to make Clara like you. Same with borrowing that book.**_**  
**_Summer Falls is a good book, I think you'd like it, Angie. But if you two want to go to the cinema next week then you are going to stop writing right now.  
_**Clara...  
**_No, Artie, come on!_

* * *

**AN: **Thanks to Dave The Psychotic Chipmunk for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	102. Jenny

Jenny (the Doctor's Daughter) is normal text  
_Jenny Flint is italics_

* * *

Is Donna here? Well, I know she is, but is she going to reply?  
_I don't know who Donna is, but maybe I can help. I'm Jenny.  
_Me too! That's why I wanted to talk to Donna. She's the one that named me- Jenny, short for Genetic Anomaly.  
_Genetic Anomaly? That's not very nice. Why would anyone call you that?  
_It's what I am. The Doctor's my dad.  
_You don't happen to have a daughter called Susan, by any chance?  
_Now you're just being ridiculous.  
_Then is your mum's name River Song?  
_No. I don't have a mum, I'm a Genetic Anomaly. But I prefer Jenny.  
_Oh, there are so many people you need to meet. Bottom right hand corner, I'll get you someone else related to the Doctor. As far as I know, he has a granddaughter, a pair of in-laws, a wife and you.  
_Cool! Thanks, Jenny!  
_No problem, Jenny._

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to MysteryGal5 for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	103. How is he still alive?

Clara Oswald is normal text  
_**Sarah Jane Smith is bold italics  
**__Romana II is italics  
_**Donna Noble is bold**

* * *

**I've seen some pretty awesome things! And terrifying things. Pyroviles! In Pompeii!  
**_The last of the Great Vampires… Now, that was someone I would have preferred to avoid meeting.  
__**Sutekh the Destroyer, last of the Osirans. Beat that!  
**_The Doctor's tomb.  
_You can't go there! The paradoxes would be terrible! That could destroy all of time and space!  
__**Yeah, like we don't get that every second day.  
**_**We never really seem to stop saving all of time and space. It doesn't seem like a big deal anymore.  
**_And the Doctor's still alive?  
_Well, obviously, since I'm writing this.  
_Trust him to break every law of time and live. Even if the paradoxes didn't destroy him completely, I would've thought the Time Lords would.  
_I don't think they're doing very much, at the moment.  
_What do you mean by that?  
_Uh...Spoilers.  
**What is it about future people using that word?**

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to kookieznkream for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	104. Captain Jack Harkness, nice to meet you

_**Captain Jack Harkness is bold italics  
**_**Donna Noble is bold  
**Tegan Jovanka is normal text

**THIS CHAPTER IS RATED M BECAUSE OF CAPTAIN JACK. READ ON AT YOUR OWN RISK.**

* * *

_**Why, hello. Nice to meet you.  
**_**Is your name Jack, by any chance?  
**_**Yes, Donna. The Ginger Goddess.  
**_**Don't you dare. How did you find out about that, anyway?  
**My Doctor warned me about meeting you on here. And he hasn't even met you yet!  
_**And who would you be?  
**_Tegan Jovanka. Single, and glad to stay that way, thank you very much!  
_**Why, Tegan, I'm sure I can change that ;-)  
**_**You are the only person I know who can turn a smiley face into an innuendo.  
And I don't think 51st Century pheromones work across a door.  
**Would that be what's making me want to meet this Jack person.  
**Oh, s***, they do.  
**_**Either that, or your insurmountable curiosity, Mouth on Legs.  
**_How are you doing that?  
**I read somewhere that he found a room full of security cameras.  
**Now, I am so desperate not to get changed anywhere in this place.  
_**Don't worry, I've already seen enough.  
**_**CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU VERY SLOWLY FOR THE REST OF TIME!**

* * *

**AN: **Thanks to BloodLily16 for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	105. Spoilers

_**River Song is bold italics  
**__Rory Williams is italics  
_Mickey Smith is normal text

* * *

_Mickey? Are you still here?  
_Rory, mate, I'm always here if you need me.  
_Amy tried to kiss the Doctor.  
_Rose tried too, if it helps any.  
_Why do I have to be so loyal? This would be so much easier if I fell in love with someone else, but instead, I'm always left, following behind her.  
__**Oh, dad, stop complaining! If she can remember you back into existence, she really does love you.  
**__River.…Why did you just call me dad?  
...__**Spoilers.  
**_Rory! It looks like you're going to be a father!  
_But she's as old as me! Maybe she's your daughter.  
_Rose never remembered me back into existence. She's yours.  
_How does this even work?  
__**Spoilers.**_

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to the guest that suggested this one. R&amp;R!


	106. Childish and not ginger

**9th Doctor is bold  
**_Amy Pond is italics  
_11th Doctor is normal text

* * *

**How do I turn into that? Fish fingers and custard, bow ties are cool, come along Pond… I'm like a child! What happens to make me become that?  
**Well, the Master comes back to life and Rassilon goes back in time and puts a drumbeat in his head that drives him mad when he stares into the untempered schism and then he sends a white point star to follow the signal and drags Gallifrey out of the time lock and then I was an idiot and saved an old man from radiation and went and regenerated.  
_Was that all one sentence?  
_I think so, yeah. I don't like being insulted by my previous self. He was really dark.  
**There are rules against telling yourself the future!  
**Yes, well, I'll forget it. You did.  
_Can't we come up with a better way to use personal pronouns?  
_**Is everyone childish in the future? Is that what I'm like? Childish and unable to use full stops?  
**_Oi! I'm ginger!  
_I'm not.  
_I still don't know why it's such a big deal!  
_**So everyone is rude and unable to use basic punctuation, and everyone but me is ginger. Great. I think I'll go die now. There are certainly enough people who want me dead.  
**I told you he was dark.

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to kookieznkream for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!

I'm going on camp tomorrow, so there won't be any new chapters until next week, hence the overload today. I'll be back on Monday.


	107. And you know this, why?

_Rose Tyler is italics  
__**Martha Jones is bold italics  
**_**Donna Noble is bold  
**Amy Pond is normal text  
_Clara Oswald is underlined italics_

* * *

_**Just out of curiosity, how many people have met the Doctor since the Time War? I've met Jack, and he's mentioned Rose, but I don't know of any others.  
**__How much older is he? He said that because Time Lords live so long I can spend the rest of my life with him but he can't do the same with me. 100 years, maybe?  
_**Does it matter? All of us are able to travel through time and space with a madman.  
**A madman who stole a big blue box. And all of us trust him, bow ties and all.  
_Oh, the bow ties. The fez is worse.  
_You don't say. River shot the fez.  
_I know, I read that earlier. Is it true that she also stole a bus?  
_And she drove it through the botanic gardens!  
**This doesn't make sense! The Doctor has never ever worn a bow tie or a fez!  
**_**He's a Time Lord, he can regenerate. Literally change his face. There aren't very many ways to actually kill him.  
**__...And you know this, why?  
__**I met the Master.  
**__I'm sorry. Not all of them are that psychopathic. The Doctor's still one of the best, but most Time Lords are better than him.  
__**You met others? But they're all dead!  
**__It's complicated, and I really shouldn't say any more or else the time streams might collapse. As nice as you seem, Martha, I don't want to turn a corner and run into you. Meeting the time zombie things was weird.  
_**I'm not even going to ask.**

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to the guest that suggested this one. R&amp;R!


	108. Answer me!

**Brian Williams is bold  
****_River Song is bold italics_**

* * *

**I just sent my son a postcard from Siluria. I wonder what he's going to think.**

**_Brian Williams? Is that you?  
_****Yes… How do you know who I am?  
****_It's complicated. I'm kind of your granddaughter. Now, that is a scary thought. I have a grandfather!  
_****What? You mean Amy and Rory got around to having kids?  
****_Oh, I wish Susan was here to see this… I wonder if that means you two are related now.  
_****Can you answer my question?  
****_Oh, sorry. Yes. Anthony. Anthony Brian Williams. Wait a second! That means I've got an adopted brother!  
_****Is Anthony adopted, are you adopted, or both?  
****_He's adopted. I'm part Time Lord. Hang on, should you actually know any of this?  
_****Maybe it's going to work like the memory wipe the Doctor has on the room full of spare doors.  
****_Unfortunately, as that memory wipe is actually me, I don't think it will.  
_****Right… But why haven't Amy and Rory come home? If they have a daughter, and an adopted son, surely I should meet them!  
****_You don't know yet? I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.  
_****About what? Are they okay? Has something happened?  
Please! Answer me!**

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to BlueFlame27 for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	109. NOT AN UPDATE

I'm sorry for not updating recently. My laptop blue-screened and crashed on Thursday, and my home computer did the same on Friday. I will keep updating this story as soon as I get proper computer access back (I'm typing this up on my dad's work computer and he wants it back.) I haven't given upon this story, I'm planning to continue it for a while yet!


	110. Jack and River

**Jack Harkness is bold  
**_**River Song is bold italics**_

* * *

**Hi. Captain Jack Harkness. Nice to meet you.  
**_**Hello, Captain Jack Harkness. Nice to meet you, too.  
**_**And who might you be?  
**_**Doctor River Song. I'm an archaeologist. You're a con man, correct?  
**_**That's a bit unfair… I'm sure that at least one of my recent business ventures was legal.  
**_**Oh, Jack, don't you know that girls love the bad boys?  
**_**I have heard that… So who are you travelling with?  
**_**I'm a time travelling archaeologist. All of him, at some stage.  
**_**Right.…I'm with the ninth one. I think. Leather jacket and big ears.  
**_**Yes, that's nine… Well, actually, it's ten. I'm still trying to convince him that you can't just disown yourself.  
**_**Right… So one is actually two and two is actually three and three is actually four and four is actually five and five is actually six and six is actually seven and seven is actually eight and eight is actually nine and nine is actually ten?  
**_**No. He disowned number nine.  
**_**So everyone except for my version is numbered correctly? That was a waste of time.  
**_**I wouldn't call him your version. I would say he's Rose's version… Then again, ten (actually eleven) is Rose's version as well, so…  
**_**Oh well. You know who I mean. Any chance of meeting up for a drink? I know this great place…  
**_**I'm sure you do. But I'm sure you're busy at the moment.  
**_**I'm sure I can make time.  
**_**I'm not sure the Doctor can… If you ever get the chance, I stay at the Stormcage Containment Facility. Rubbish weather, actually. But if you ever feel like dropping in… Well, I'll be there. Unless I'm on holiday. You know, they really need to improve their security systems. I always seem to be breaking in, not out.  
**_**Right… I'm surprised the Doctor lets you travel with him, if you're in prison. Anyway… See you sometime, Doctor Song.  
**_**Likewise, my Captain.**_

* * *

**AN:** Yay! Computer working! If you have an idea to send in, now is a good time because my list is very short and I feel guilty for not posting anything recently so I'll be trying to work through it.

Thanks to kookieznkream for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	111. The Death Zone and a recorder

The number of the speaker is in front of the text.

* * *

_5: Well, that was close. They almost made me president again!  
_**4: Oh, is this the bit about the Death Zone? Sorry about that, Romana and I got stuck. But you already know that. You know, I have a feeling that Romana would make a far better president than you would.  
**_2: If she ever makes it, I'm sure I can be on hand to play a little celebratory tune.  
_3: I'm sure you will be, but no one will be in a celebratory mood by the time you're finished.  
_**1: Must they be my replacements? A dandy and a clown? It would be far better if they could stop arguing for a moment!  
**_**4: Yes, I agree. Third me, if you could stop pretending his Cacofonix, I'm sure we could get on rather well.  
**_5: Ah yes, the obsession with Asterix. Don't worry, he gets over it soon enough.  
_3: Have you heard him? I don't think he stopped going on about that flute at all while we fought Omega!  
**4: We were discussing the Death Zone, not my past self's musical talents, or lack thereof.  
**_5: You know, I don't think there's really a point. Let's just leave them to it and continue this conversation elsewhere.  
__**1: Yes, that seems like an excellent idea, my boy.  
**__5: Don't 'my boy' me, I'm older than you!  
_**4: Just let us do it, we were very grouchy when we were him.  
**_5: I suppose so…_

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to Dede42 for suggesting... one about the Death Zone. Unfortunately, I can't write 2 and 3 together without an argument breaking out, so this'll have to do. I might try one again later. R&amp;R!


	112. Sabalom Glitz

**6th Doctor is bold  
**_**7th Doctor is bold italics  
**_Ace is normal text  
_Peri is italics  
__Mel is underlined italics_

* * *

_**That Sabalom Glitz is a feisty fellow, isn't he?  
**_You're telling me now? Professor, he's one of the worst people we've come across!  
_He didn't seem that bad to me. Not perfect by any means, but still reasonably decent.  
_Yeah right. Reasonably decent, Sabalom Glitz? I haven't heard such a load of rubbish!  
_Is there any particular reason I should watch out for him?  
_Oh, he's a terrible man, full of-  
_He's not that bad! I don't know why you hate him so much.  
_**I'm sure she has her reasons. Come on, Mel! I'm in the console room.  
**_**Ah yes, I remember that… He will become me quite soon. Quite an improvement, really, come to think about it…  
**__What? What do you mean by 'he will become me'? Doctor?  
__**Ah, Peri... Change, my dear.  
**_Professor? What do you mean?  
_He means that he's going to turn into a new person. He tried to strangle me!  
__**Sorry about that... Post-regeneration trauma, I didn't quite have control of my own thoughts.  
**_Professor? You mean you haven't always been the professor? How many secrets have you kept?  
_**Don't worry, Ace! Will you hurry up a little? The tea's getting cold...**_

* * *

**AN:** thanks to Dede42 for suggesting this one. Now that I have my computer back, my internet is playing up, so... I will try to update as often as possible. R&amp;R!


	113. Luxembourg

**9th Doctor is bold  
**_10th Doctor is italics_

* * *

_Rose… How did this happen? Why didn't I order you to stay back?  
_**What do you mean? You've lost Rose? How could you manage that?  
**_We were closing the void and she lost her grip! If Pete hadn't grabbed her she would have been lost forever!  
_**You shouldn't have let her get in trouble! What were you thinking? If she'd been hurt…  
**_You don't need to tell me this… Everything you've said, I've already thought of! All I want to do is talk to her one last time!  
_**Then do! If she's still alive- and from the way you said that, I'm sure she is- then do it.  
**_She's stuck in a parallel universe! Just… Keep your abnormally large nose out of other people's business, ok?  
_**Oh, that's just fantastic. This isn't Hogwarts, you know. And leave my nose out of this.  
You said Rose is in a parallel universe? There are ways through to parallel universes.  
**_But the amount of power needed to do that… if it went wrong it would tear a hole in the universe the exact size of… well… Luxembourg.  
That was kind of anti-climactic, wasn't it?  
_**That's if it goes wrong. But if it doesn't…  
You'd need a huge amount of energy, but there are plenty of stars that you could take it from.  
**_Why are you helping me?  
_**Because one day I'm going to be you.**

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to kookieznkream for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	114. Fish Fingers and Custard

**11th Doctor is bold  
**_Amy Pond is italics_

* * *

_Seriously! Fish fingers and custard! Fish fingers, yes, custard, yes… but together?  
_**Amy! Fish fingers and custard are cool! They taste really good!  
**_Yeah, that's how I know you're an alien. No human would ever say that those two things go well together.  
_**You've never tried them, have you?  
**…_Maybe not. But just think about it! It's disgusting!  
_**Amelia, Amelia. Don't ever judge anything before you've tried it. If you do, you'll always make mistakes. I'm sure that most of UNIT thought the Brig was mad hiring me as a scientific advisor, but it worked out well in the end!  
**_Someone actually hired you? You? You, of all people, managed to get a job?  
_**Yes I did. Not the best one, UNIT were always a bit trigger-happy. I've always wanted to work in a toy shop though- all those great little robots, the helicopters zooming around overhead…  
**_You would be like a kid in a candy store! You'd be far too busy trying out products to sell anything. And you'd combine things that never should have been combined.  
_**Oh, not fish fingers again. You aren't allowed to write anything else here until you've tried them. Understand?**

**Amy?  
**_How does that even work?  
_**They're nice, aren't they?  
**_But...Fish fingers! And custard! They aren't supposed to go together!  
_**Try not to judge anything by first impressions.  
**_I still don't see how that actually works. Or that anyone in their right mind would stumble across such an idea.  
_**I wasn't really in my right mind… In fact, I wasn't even really in my mind… Ah well. Let's get going, eh? Have you ever been to Venice? I hear it's lovely at this time of year…**

* * *

**AN:** Thanks to amoscribens for suggesting this one. R&amp;R!


	115. Chapter 115

_It's the end...but the moment has been prepared for._

* * *

Clara was just reaching up to write another message asking for a way out when the door was jerked open. She leapt back in surprise.

'Do you like it? My granddaughter started this, way back. She got annoyed when I spent too long in my room and decided to leave me a message. Since then, it just kind of... grew.'

So this was the door to the Doctor's room. Clara found herself standing on tiptoes, trying to see around him. The room behind was surprisingly plain for someone who had spent so long here- an old straw mattress lay in the corner, with an old, Victorian-style armchair next to it. A book lay open on the table, no doubt written in some kind of intranslateable language. In fact, the only thing that looked even vaguely used was a chest standing in the corner. The lid was propped open and she could just glimpse the top of a stuffed owl.

'Shakespeare's best bed, that is. He left his wife the second-best one. She was quite happy, actually. That was the one they slept in, this was for guests. I hardly ever use it though, mostly I just doze in armchairs.' Somehow, the fact that the Doctor had been given Shakespeare's best bed didn't come as that much of a surprise.

'Anyway! What to do? Have you seen the Medusa Cascade yet? I went there when I was a boy, through the Master's textbook into it... Probably not a good idea, but it was funny at the time. Or we could go watch the coronation of Queen Masilla XXI of Terenon, I've heard the fireworks display was amazing. Or...'

He was already about halfway down the corridor, the door to his room swinging shut. Clara sighed and jogged to catch up with him. The TARDIS hummed gently as he flicked the lights.

Ready for the next adventure.

* * *

**AN:** Thanks so much to everyone who suggested anything, ever, for this story. I was going to write all the ideas people gave me, but... I'm really sorry if I didn't get around to yours. This story ended up being way more popular than I could have hoped for, and for a while I thought I was actually going to keep it going forever. But... Well, I guess assessment got in the way and even now that I have time to write I don't have the same inspiration. If anyone wants to take over the story, go ahead, or use the idea in your own story... Thanks so much to everyone who's bothered to read this far and for all the great reviews and follows!

And yes, in my mind, the Doctor leads Clara right into the room full of spare doors. He finally found it.


End file.
